May 2013 - Matt Ralston's Blog

My Worst Call Ever Part I 1

May

30

2013

A year after moving away from my hometown to attend college I found myself in Seattle for the summer and in need of a job. At this period in my life I was under the impression that matching means your outfit is all the same color. So I would go out looking for a job in ...

I’m Not Watching Citizen Kane Again. 4

May

29

2013

Citizen Kane is often referred to as being the “Greatest Movie of All Time.” Shakespeare is often referred to as the “Greatest Writer of All Time.” As someone who has seen Citizen Kane and read a lot of Shakespeare, I have one thing to say to this: No. Usually, the rationale given for these works ...

Pizza: What Losers Talk About.

May

24

2013

An guy from New York just talked to me about pasta for three and a half minutes as though I give a fuck. This was a long three and a half minutes – a Coldplay song worth of conversation. Circumstances: I’m at a wedding in Los Angeles – not Sicily – randomly talking with some dude over ...

Conspiracy Theories Explained Part I 6

May

16

2013

It’s always a bit uncomfortable when I’m having a conversation with someone and they drop the: “Sandy Hook/9-11 (insert conspiracy here) was a hoax” thing on you. It isn’t uncomfortable for me discussing the possibility of any newsworthy event actually being a conspiracy, because the U.S. government has routinely engaged in False Flag events and misinformation campaigns. It is uncomfortable ...

How to Enhance Your Life Through Inefficient Living

May

13

2013

A lot of people are searching for meaning and validity in their lives. Maybe you’re like me, someone who has literally owned crowds of several thousand people with their perfected stage act, or you’re just a chick who got knocked up and sits around all fat watching Dr. Phil – regardless of the circumstances, do ...

Why ‘Conservatives’ Don’t Exist

May

10

2013

The only people still calling themselves “Liberals” and “Conservatives” are fucking idiots. Conservatives are idiots because they actually fancy themselves to be traditionally conservative, which I suppose would mean they want to have slaves do free labor for them while they attempt to chew deer meat with wooden teeth. The slaves they had were most likely ...

How to Fix the Kentucky Derby

May

8

2013

I recently watched the Kentucky Derby on television and was amazed at the fact that it only lasts two minutes. Seriously? The build-up was excruciatingly long. As far as I know, the only other entertainment present at the Derby to keep the spectators occupied before the race is a hat-parade. I’m assuming it is as ...

My Experience Being Homeless

May

7

2013

I’ve never actually been homeless. But, I have in fact been treated as being homeless, and it has happened with increasing frequency over the past few months. The most recent scenario in which I was considered homeless was yesterday on my way back from the gym. I usually work out in jean shorts, a Senor Frog’s shirt, a bandana, ...

Why Mark Jackson is Gayer than Jason Collins 1

May

1

2013

It was sobering to see Jason Collins come out as the first openly gay professional athlete in a major American sport. Regardless of your historical perspective, it was a brave thing to do. Of course, there are always a few ignorant bastards eager to ruin the moment, the most prominent being Mark Jackson, the former ...