November 2013 - Matt Ralston's Blog

People who Look Like Turtles Part II 2

Nov

27

2013

I am not a conspiracy theorist, however I am pretty sure that the following people are just turtles who learned how to walk. Jason Terry is a great shooter and former Sixth Man of the Year. Turtle. Actor Rick Moranis retired from acting long ago to raise his children. They are probably turtle children, because ...

How to Increase your Chances of Winning the Lottery

Nov

21

2013

One of the most respectable Moves I’ve ever witnessed was at a small convenience store in Seattle called the Eastlake Market. It was fairly crumby and benefited from being one of the only stores in the general area – and the only one that sold beer and wine until 2 a.m. – which is the ...

People who Look Like Turtles Part I 2

Nov

16

2013

I’ve noticed recently that a lot of people strongly resemble turtles – and may in fact just be turtles who have learned how to walk. While I respect their privacy – and I must say that all of these turtles are successful and respectable people – I feel the need to inform the public that ...

Does Supporting the Troops Imply a Vast Conspiracy? 2

Nov

14

2013

Living in America, I have found the constant barrage of pleas for my acknowledgement of our men and women in uniform to be perplexing. Me: Wait, why are the marines performing a color guard ceremony right now? What does this have to do with baseball? Everyone Else in the Room: Dude, shut up. I honestly don’t understand ...

F the Dolphins

Nov

12

2013

I’m tired of hearing about the oceans. Not that I don’t care, I do, but why are we concentrating our attention on dolphins. You know the storm drains go straight to the ocean! Yeah, you know where else they go? RIGHT PAST YOUR FUCKING HOUSE. A quick personal anecdote: When I lived in Fairbanks we ...

How to Re-Meet Friends and Alienate People

Nov

12

2013

How do I state this without sounding creepy – well, when I have a genuine connection with someone (meaning that I enjoy hanging out with them), I immediately categorize them as a friend, whether I see them every day, or once a year. Like everyone, I have varying degrees of friends – but the basic ...

Time to Lay Off of Skinny Chicks

Nov

11

2013

A few days ago I had lunch with a female friend of mine. Our waitress was a thin woman – not anorexic looking or anything, just thin. After we left we chatted on the sidewalk for a while, and she said: Oh my God! Did you see how skinny that bitch was!?!, in a critical and ...

What’s up with Bullying?

Nov

6

2013

This is a question I’d thought about a lot prior to the situation with Richie Incognito – an idiotic football player who has been kicked off of the Miami Dolphins for bullying a player who appears to be a more sensible person, and perhaps as a result, a slightly less effective NFL linebacker. I think that the ...

Please Call and Harass This Person

Nov

3

2013

I never ask anything of my readers, be they friend, fan, or person who hates me and reads all of this stuff for reasons I don’t understand. Whoever you are, it is vital that you call the ARCO Smog Check station on the corner of Franklin and Gower (323-467-8397) and tell the guy who answers ...