Matthew Ralston, Author at Matt Ralston's Blog

Murder On Ice – The Podcast

Apr

5

2021

Well, I have received several emails asking why I haven’t posted anything on this site in over three months. There are a few reasons, mostly I was disillusioned with the whole prospect of writing for free, as I would put a palpable amount of effort into a lot of these articles, checking the spelling and ...

Trump Staffers Instructed to Return Gifts

Dec

24

2020

On Tuesday White House staffers were sent an email explaining to them how they should go about getting the fuck out of the White House. They need to clean their microwaves, for example, and scraping the bean-and-cheese burrito filling off of that soiled glass plate may prove their most lasting achievement. In keeping with the ...

Melania Trump Adds To Her Legacy

Dec

7

2020

Slovenian horror movie ghoul Melania Trump has added to her formidable list of accomplishments as first lady by building a tennis pavilion. To be fair, she didn’t actually build it, but she did oversee the planning of it, if you believe in conspiracies. She also posed for a non-pornographic photo of herself wearing a hard ...

Republicans Officially Either Stupid or Racist

Nov

19

2020

I’m not all about healing the political divide. Not right now, as Donald Trump and his goons are actively plotting to steal an election, which Donald Trump lost, badly, making him, in his third grade schoolyard bully vernacular, a stupid loser. You would think you’d have an issue with your candidate and the majority of ...

Rankings of People Produced by Colleges

Oct

19

2020

The following rankings are not based on the educational standards of these institutions, but rather the quality of individual who tends to graduate from said institution. It is unclear why, if you’re a doucbebag, you dream of attending USC over UCLA, it’s just a statistical reality. Certainly many of the schools on this list are ...

Ranking the Types of Republicans

Oct

9

2020

Political scientists recognize that of the millions of registered Republicans in the United States there are two main subsets: White Collar Criminals and The Illiterate. Yet of these two groups many subspecies exist, and this study uses random sampling from several Klan rallies and superspreader swingers parties as well as Black Friday 2001 to rank ...

Alex Villanueva Shows Cops Just Don’t Get It

Sep

15

2020

There’s a pattern that has repeated itself on a loop in this country indefinitely in recent years. It goes like this: The police are caught doing something unjust. People are fed up with the police, and so it sparks outrage. There are mass protests and upheavals. The police whine and snivel about the protests and proclaim ...

How to Refer to a Family Member Who Is A Racist Piece of Shit Such as Donald Trump

Aug

29

2020

We all have that one family member who likes to constantly talk shit about minorities right? Come on, you know, that one uncle, or that one father or husband you have who constantly says and tweets racist sentiments and willfully employs many white-supremacists? You don’t? Oh, cool. Me either. I guess I count myself lucky ...

Why Republicans Are Allowed to Suck at their Jobs

Aug

24

2020

Louis DeJoy, a Republican fundraiser who was appointed Posmaster General in a successful conspiracy to cripple the postal service in a voter-suppression effort, sucks at his job. He sucks at his job so much that he has been the Postmaster General for a month, and he doesn’t know incredibly basic aspects of the postal service, ...

The Washington Redskins New Name Has To Keep Tradition Alive

Jul

4

2020

As Fed Ex and Nike have done the market analysis and deemed that now is the most strategic time to pretend they are in any way concerned about civil rights or racism, they are now taking a viably far too late, impotent, non-courageous stand against the mascot of Washington D.C.’s football team, the repentantly named ...