About Matt Ralston

Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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Here are my most recent posts

The Guy From Linkin Park Has An Undiagnosed Pathology

The Guy From Linkin Park Has An Undiagnosed Pathology
When Linkin Park first hit the heavily contrived airwaves I was sixteen years old. I remember thinking, why are these Fresno meth dealers on the radio? This was a strange time in pop music. Limp Bizkit was big. Korn. Puddle of Mudd. Nickelback. The entire movement could be best described as You’re Friend’s Shitty Cousins, who ...

Warren Buffet’s Act Not Adding Up

Warren Buffet's Act Not Adding Up
If Warren Buffet actually still lives in the 6,500 square foot central Omaha house that he bought in 1958 despite being worth 76 billion dollars, as the occasional puff piece hammers home, then I have a question: Why has somebody not broken into Warren Buffet’s humble abode and held him for a billion dollar ransom? ...

Why I Am Hating On Kevin Durant 6

Why I Am Hating On Kevin Durant
Kevin Durant joining the Golden State Warriors and subsequently winning a Championship bothered me. A lot. If you’re one of those simple people who thinks proclaiming two syllables of mom slang can parachute you out of a discussion, you will say to me, You’re just being a Hater. And then your face bill go blank ...

Tiger Woods And The Prescription Drug Patriarchy

Tiger Woods And The Prescription Drug Patriarchy
Tiger Woods issued a statement taking great pains to explain that he wasn’t drunk when he was found asleep in his smashed up car on the freeway. Well, that’s a relief. I would hate to think people under the influence of a drug strong enough to induce a mini coma were under the influence of alcohol. ...

What The Eskimos Can Teach Us About PC Culture 2

What The Eskimos Can Teach Us About PC Culture
A lot of my friends growing up were Eskimos. There aren’t a lot of people who can say that. I realize the term Eskimo has recently come under fire, as I have experienced first hand by a lot of heroic white people who have never met an Eskimo informing me that they prefer to be called Inuits now. ...

Why The Alt-Right Are Cowards, And Pussies 4

Why The Alt-Right Are Cowards, And Pussies
Sometimes a photo speaks louder than words. These people, while standing in the White House and in front of a professional photographer, threw up gang signs signifying white supremacy. For a fact. Not much different than if Barack Obama had invited a group of representatives of the South Side Crips over to steal all of ...

Ashley Graham’s Message Is Confusing

Ashley Graham's Message Is Confusing
Ashley Graham appears to be America’s only commercially successful overweight model, meaning she either singlehandedly represents about eighty million American women, or there’s just not a huge market for fat models or slow athletes. If you could describe Graham’s general attitude in one word, it would be confidence. She’s really fucking confident. In fact, she ...

State Of The Union 1

State Of The Union
The date is May 4, 2017. The president of the United States is a shitty reality show host with a poor vocabulary. He’s not a self made man, yet is incapable of realizing everyone’s dad didn’t give them ten million dollars. His wife is a Soviet Bloc prostitute. She lives in a building sporting his own ...

Brie Larson Making Change

Brie Larson Making Change
Brie Larson will be playing Captain Marvel in an upcoming film, likely to be followed by several shitty sequels. This makes Captain Marvel the first female Marvel character to have a stand-alone film, and comes on the heels of an upcoming Wonder Woman reboot. The general consensus is that we need more women playing superheroes. This ...

Face Wounds Becoming Overrated

Face Wounds Becoming Overrated
The face wound has long been a cinematic trope for illustrating physical harm. It’s symbolic of greater physical torment.We are to assume that for every cut or gash a person has on their face, that their entire being is suffering ten times over. Your face has a relatively small surface area, and in a combat situation ...