Forrest Gump Had Us All Snowed 1

Forrest Gump Had Us All Snowed
Nobody wants to think about this and to my knowledge nobody has dared speak the words, but the epic and heartfelt film Forrest Gump was just an elaborate advertisement for a chain of mediocre tourist trap seafood restaurants. (A quick summary for those unfamiliar with the film: Forrest Gump is about a retarded guy who keeps ...

Suicide Squad Seems Lazy 2

Suicide Squad Seems Lazy
I haven’t seen this Suicide Squad movie but it looks pretty terrible. The El Diablo character seems familiar. I remember reading an article about this meth addict with an eyeball tattoo who shot a cop in Anchorage Alaska a while back. Apparently the people in charge of production also browse salacious stories on the Daily Mail’s ...

My Run In With Suge Knight

Just keep your head down, I kept telling myself… The meta irony that Suge Knight is awaiting trial for the murder of a guy who he killed on the set of Straight Outta Compton, a movie in which he is a central character and of which the script features him threatening to murder several people, is ...

Can Kevin Hart Save The Oscars By Being Black? 2

Can Kevin Hart Save The Oscars By Being Black?
Most self respecting humans see the Oscars as a masturbatory snooze fest that is a once a year annoyance dedicated to celebrating films solely based on the themes of AIDS and Alzheimer’s. The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is a group of people as superbly lame and pretentious as that monicker would suggest. What ...

Above What Rim?

I never understood the scene in the masterfully copacetic Above The Rim where Nutzo falls to his death while attempting to compete in a jumping contest. It begs a few questions: What was that backboard made of? How could it have sustained multiple bank shots and not a dude’s hand? Is Nutzo palming a Maddux ...

Gone Girl Sucks 2

Gone Girl Sucks
Spoiler Alert: Gone Girl sucks. Its a movie about a crazy woman who thinks she is dirty and salacious because she bangs her husband. Her husband is Ben Affleck, played by Ben Affleck. He displays some serious acting chops as he is able to switch from being half pudgy to WWF roided out of his ...

Check Out This Review of my Hit Single!!!! 14

This is a review of my song, Movie Song, by Chuck Klosterman: First, if you haven’t seen the video, here is a new link to it:   Here’s the review, copy and pasted:   Matt Ralston Movie Song, Independent. ★★★★ “Matt Ralston is an artist of inhibited verisimilitude – at once confined to the genre of hip-hop, ...

Recent Gullibles. 1

These are a few things people believed me say recently when I selfishly lying for my own amusement. 1) The actor Willem Dafoe is a completely different person from actor WILLIAM Dafoe (who isn’t a real person.) Also notice the slight differential in spelling the name. Willem is similar to William. Anyway, both of them ...

How Creepy is the Warner Bros. Marketing Department?

How Creepy is the Warner Bros. Marketing Department?
In my previous post I wrote about the television promotions for Grudge Match – a cultural abortion featuring – according to the poster for the film – the severed heads of Sylvester Stalone and Robert DeNiro scotch-taped onto some young men’s bodies. When I first saw the promos – which prominently feature people’s tweets as endorsements for ...

Why I am Holding a Grudge against Grudge Match 10

Grudge Match is a movie starring Robert DeNiro and Sylvester Stalone in which they both play old boxers. They both play old boxers because they both played young boxers in iconic films earlier in their careers. Now they get to make a movie where they make joking references to the boxing movies they made decades ago ...