Rant Archives - Matt Ralston's Blog

Lessons From The Apple AirPod Guy

Nov

5

2019

I couldn’t tell if I would get used to looking at people wearing Apple’s new wireless headphones, or AirPods. The first twenty or so times I found myself jerking my head over and wondering why this crazy person was wearing earphones with no cord. I assume most people wearing headphones in public aren’t actually listening ...

You’re An Adult, Carry Some Goddamn Cash

Jun

19

2018

I’ve recently come into contact with several people in their thirties who openly proclaim that they “don’t carry cash.” Allow me to explain something to you people: You’re annoying. At worst, I think many of these people are freeloaders and have concocted this plan to save money. Not having cash means that at some point ...

In Defense of the Grilled Cheese

May

21

2018

I’ve been told I’m a picky eater. I consider it a compliment. You should discriminate. Don’t be one of those people that just takes whatever is given to them. If you want to eat a Dodger Dog or a Jumbo Jack that’s fine. Just accept the fact that you’re a fucking moron though. Once you ...

Mr. T’s Wiki Page Is Problematic

Mar

28

2018

Being an intellectual heavyweight I recently sat down with a tall glass of Mountain Dew (Code Red) and proceeded to read Mr. T’s entire Wikipedia page. It turns out the page, exclusively sourced from Mr. T’s autobiography, is filled with ludicrous Chuck Norris Joke style claims which would appear to strain credulity. It would appear ...

Matt Lauer Finally Deserving Of A Remark

Dec

1

2017

Matt Lauer. Up until a few days ago the mention of that name, for the average American, inspired an almost remarkable non-reaction. Maybe that half second feeling you get when you hold a glass under an ice dispenser. Do you need ice in your water? Sure, why not. Although, you could certainly do without it. ...

Dateline: Orthodox Jewish Woman’s Thrill Seeking Behavior At The 99 Cent Store

Sep

15

2017

I generally avoid the 99 Cent Store because of its strong association with loserdom, and because I’m fine with paying an extra ten cents for a bag of carrots without wondering how the 99 Cent Store brokered a deal for them. This is the same establishment that occasionally just happens upon a surplus of socks ...

We Have Created A Horrifying World For Ourselves 2

Aug

28

2017

In the world, 7 out of every 100,000 people will be murdered. There are currently 15 wars going on in which at least a thousand people were killed the previous calendar year. By far the two most deadly are the US led invasions of Iraq and Afghanistan. In the US, nearly one out of a ...

Your Guide To Vacationing In Los Angeles If You’re An Asshole

Aug

20

2017

There is nothing sadder to me than watching families from the midwest visit the Hollywood Walk of Fame. This is a part of LA that every local strives pretty strongly to avoid. It’s comprised of sticky sidewalks, places that sell crack pipes, and aggressive homeless people missing limbs and convicted rapists dressed as Spiderman. The ...

Update, and The Funniest Thing I Have Ever Seen

Aug

7

2017

First, an update to my loyal readers: I am currently working on a few big stories which will be published on this site in the coming weeks, so I haven’t had time to post as much recently. Once I get those out I will start posting more frequently, so you’ll want to check the site every ...

Warren Buffet’s Act Not Adding Up

Jun

23

2017

If Warren Buffet actually still lives in the 6,500 square foot central Omaha house that he bought in 1958 despite being worth 76 billion dollars, as the occasional puff piece hammers home, then I have a question: Why has somebody not broken into Warren Buffet’s humble abode and held him for a billion dollar ransom? ...