matt ralston

LeBron James and This Gross Convenient Activism

LeBron James and This Gross Convenient Activism
Last week Houston Rockets General Manager Daryl Morey tweeted out a rather innocuous statement supporting the protesters in Hong Kong who aren’t too happy about being ruled against their will under China’s highly repressive totalitarian communist regime. China then responded authoritatively, as one would expect from a totalitarian regime, and cancelled some NBA events under ...

Olivia Jade Invalidates All USC Diplomas

Olivia Jade Invalidates All USC Diplomas
It’s unclear if Lori Laughlin will do prison time for paying to get her dunce of a daughter Olivia Jade Gianulli into USC. That would really piss me off if I paid $250,000 to get a degree from that institution, because here’s what nobody wants to mention in regard to this case – Olivia Jade ...

Jussie Smollett is a Liar Who Faked a Hate Crime

Jussie Smollett is a Liar Who Faked a Hate Crime
I wanted to be one hundred percent sure, or as close to a hundred percent as possible, before accusing actor Jussie Smollett of lying about being the subject of a racial and homophobic attack, in which assailants supposedly beat him up, wrapped a noose around his neck, poured an unknown chemical on him, and shouted ...

The Pro-Life Fallacy

Still unclear how some douchebag teenagers captured the national spotlight at a moment when the President of the United States is an unhinged Russian agent. People say you shouldn’t call teenage kids douchebags. No? Well I’m not marching into your creepy all-boys school in Kentucky and calling you all out, you marched on Washington, for ...

Dogs Are Creeps

Dogs Are Creeps
An awful lot of people seem to consider their dogs as people the days. A true friend. A member of the family. Well, let me ask you something; why does one of your family members enjoy snacking on cat shit? How come your buddy is licking his balls inside of Trader Joe’s? Certainly, there must ...

How Shitty Are The Fucking Eagles?

How Shitty Are The Fucking Eagles?
The Big Lebowski is my favorite movie of all time. I’m not saying it’s the best movie of all time, it’s just my favorite movie. I hadn’t thought about how shitty The Eagles are until I saw that scene, where The Dude is riding in the cab and he’s having a bad day, and he ...

How A Beer Site Could Fix Political Discourse

How A Beer Site Could Fix Political Discourse
A few days ago I bought some beer from Trader Joe’s called The Hemperor, and I found it absolutely nauseating. It’s an IPA brewed with hemp by the New Belgium Brewing Company, and it tastes like a dirty hippie’s van seat. I’m not a beer snob, or a beer nerd for that matter, but this ...

Saturday Night Live’s Irish Cousin Fucking Sketch Was Interesting

Saturday Night Live's Irish Cousin Fucking Sketch Was Interesting
Last week Saturday Night Live aired a sketch celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. The premise of the sketch was that it was one of those dating shows from the 1980’s where they pick a a person and put three people of the opposite sex behind a partition and they are asked questions and answer them with ...

So What Would It Take For You to Not Support Trump Anymore?

So What Would It Take For You to Not Support Trump Anymore?
As of this week Gallup lists Donald Trump’s approval rating at 37 percent. That is fascinating, and you have to wonder how that number could fathomably be anywhere above one percent. One percent would make sense, because there’s always That One Guy. You know the guy. Couldn’t pass algebra, drives a forklift or bartends at ...

Kevin Durant Needs A Dad

Kevin Durant Needs A Dad
Kevin Durant’s dad left the family when he was an infant. Obviously. This is why you need a dad. Your dad tells you that when someone beats you, you get back up and fight harder. You don’t join the gang that beat you. That’s why we have gangs and wars and sing the national anthem ...