How Neo-Progressive Yuppy Anti Vaxers Cause Climate Change

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There is currently an outbreak of whooping cough in the LA area. Whooping cough, or pertussis, has been pretty highly contained since the 1940’s, when people way smarter than your average Prius driving ankle tattooed fuck tard developed a vaccine for it. A vaccine is a thing that mobilizes one’s immune system against a common threat, thereby saving lives. As of this date, 8,000 cases of pertussis have been reported in California this year alone. 267 of those people have been hospitalized, 58 in intensive care, and several have died, including 3 infant babies.

In 1976, back when we had Nixon in office and people were waiting in line three hour lines for gasoline, there were 1010 cases of pertussis Nationwide. That’s because they developed these things called vaccines. Its this thing called immunization which you are far too dumb to grasp whilst driving your carseated spawn past rows of day laborers outside the Home Depot, where you might stop to grab a ceramic pot for that bougainvillea on your patio while cursing them to get their dirty asses out of the fucking way before your eyes tear up regarding their plight over chardonnay in front of your friends once you get Anderson Cooper’s take on it.

How come people in the 70’s could grasp this concept but your current Showtime executive’s wife is having a tough time with it? Maybe their egos were put in check by fucked up circumstances because they had actual problems to deal with, like the rest of society currently does?

There’s this thing called a scientific consensus, and it tends to make self respecting people shut their fucking mouths if they start repeating shit dummies have told them and are wrong. Evolution is a consensus. Climate Change is a consensus. And the absolute motherfucking FACT that vaccines do not cause autism is a consensus.

The only study ever showing that vaccines cause autism was proven to be fraudulent, and doctored for profit.

Shit where do you go from there Jenny McCarthy? May as well just tiptoe away from that idiotic stance and start claiming vaccines cause really common conditions like eczema and epilepsy. That’s a fair strategy to allow damage control for your ego because you can attribute something ubiquitous like vaccines (outside of fake titted tattoo wearing former dating show hosts’ children) to conditions like eczema which have remained statistically steady throughout American history, save for your pony tail wearing physician’s inflated numbers, who is more likely to try and sell you cortisone cream for your kid’s mosquito bite because he knows you’re a fucking moron.

That’s where many of these conspiracies regarding vaccination come from. The health care industry profits from treating all types of preventable issues. They will even remove your stomach and put in a smaller plastic one instead of recommending you stop being a sweaty glutton in draw string pants. Its in their best interest to legislate vaccines because the Center for Disease Control’s panel which approves procedures, medicines, and vaccines is made up of former prescription drug CEOs and lobbyists who absolutely will see a profit from their time spent telling you what’s okay for you. Like Oxycodone. That’s totally fine for you but marijuana can get your house raided by jack booted thugs.

I get it.

Unfortunately, people are profiting off of your every move. Toyota makes money off your Prius. Those guys who designed the solar panels on your roof are getting paid too. Its kind of how America works. Sometimes you make money while progressing society. That’s the case with these things called vaccines.

Jenny McCarthy has fake tits and tattoos. Silicon ruptures can’t be good for a fetus. I looked up tattoo ink and it turns out it contains chemicals known by the state of California to cause cancer, including heavy metals.

I’m not a scientist, but I understand the effects of bioaccumulation with regard to lead, and obviously your baby would absorb it. Unlike vaccines, lead is proven to cause autism. This isn’t much of a theory. Sadly it makes more sense than whatever bullshit your average narcissistic trophy wife with a husband everyone knows is gay wants to spew at your Hillary Clinton fundraiser.

Plus that wouldn’t allow you to displace your issues as much…

The reason I’m being hard on these overfed over privileged yuppy retards is they’re the people causing the problem. The anti vax crowd is exclusively rich.

In LA, parents who don’t want to vaccinate their kids can apply for a Personal Belief Exemption, which grants them the right to put the entire population at risk of contracting deadly communicable diseases because they had dreadlocks their sophomore year of college and married a partner at CAA.

Since when did allowing for babies to die of whooping cough factor in an exemption based on your delusional religious beliefs? Let’s give the Jihadists an exemption too when they blow up your school then. It was their belief regardless of how ignorant and twisted their reasoning.

I don’t mind making that analogy because both groups are responsible for killing children.

The Kaballah Children’s Academy in Beverly Hills averages a 57% Personal Belief Exemption rate with regards to vaccines. The Waldorf Early Childhood Center in Santa Monica, 67%. There is virutally zero anti vax sentiment in any working class neighborhood in LA, you know, the guy who blows your leaves and whose nephew went to the hospital because your kid gave whooping cough to several children from neighborhoods with much higher population densities than yours after he ran his disease ridden towheaded tongue across the counter at the Universal City food court?

Science, which proves climate change to be occurring and also developed that battery on your Prius, estimates that a rate of around 6% of the population not being inoculated against any given virus puts the rest of the population at danger of outbreak. Its called Herd immunity. If this number is surpassed it compromises the population.

That’s what has happened in LA.

A select group of rich Kate Spade accessorized kale munching McDonald’s binging cunts and their Lockheed developer idiot husbands in Ed Hary barbecuing attire are putting everyone else in harm’s way because they are fucking stupid selfish uninformed suckers of Satan’s scaley sheathed dick.

Here’s a nice chunk of history:

In the late 1950s, serious complications due to measles remained frequent and costly. As a result of measles virus infections, an average of 150,000 patients had respiratory complications and 4000 patients had encephalitis each year; the latter was associated with a high risk of neurological sequelae and death. These complications and others resulted in an estimated 48,000 persons with measles being hospitalized every year. In 1966, 3 years after licensure of the first measles vaccines achieved high vaccination coverage among preschool- and school-aged children they resulted in a substantial reduction in measles incidence: An average of 1.3 cases per 100,000 population was reported during 1982–1988, compared with an average of 313 cases per 100,000 during 1956–1960

Oh, so less kids died? Cool. You’ve had the MMR shot right? If you were autistic you wouldn’t be reading this.

The whooping cough outbreak is only a precursor of events to come if these brie eating fake progressives aren’t put in their place.

Dr. Deborah Lehman is the associate director of  pediatric diseases at Cedars Sinai. As current stats aren’t available, she estimates the couple who lived next door to Chevy Chase in Christmas Vacation are a serous threat:

It’s a smoldering fire that has started and it could be a complete wildfire if vaccination rates continue to fall.

Dr. Lehman earned her biological sciences degree at Stanford and completed her Fellowship in Pediatric Infections Diseases at UCLA where she headed successful research to reduce the HIV transmission rate from infected mothers to their children.

But Caitlin’s got her beat because she read an article on her friend’s blog. Do you have a degree Caitlin? What about you, guy who created Gossip Girl or punched up Spanglish? Dr. Lehman has saved babies from dying. What the fuck have you and your stupid overdressed kid done? What has your husband with the non prescription reading glasses who everyone is begging to come out of the closet done? What the fuck have YOU done?

On a broader level, the denial of one scientific consensus leads to damage from the one on the other side of the isle.

When flabby assed yoga pant wearing neo progressives propogate anti vax bullshit it only gives credence to the Exxon lobbyist who denies climate change.

Its a culture of ignorance, and it benefits corporations always.

Once elected to the West Hollywood City Council I will fight to ban any non vaccinated kids from attending public school, and to strip certification from any private school sanctioning these practices, so that when you bribe the Dean of Admissions at Brown at least the record will show that your kid was part of a dangerous cult and not a prestigious charter school.

You are responsible for the deaths of kids Caitlin, Jenny, Steve. Think about it when you take your next selfie with your walking bio terrorist clone at her kindergarten graduation rehearsal, and thanks for melting the fucking icecaps, twats.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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