I recently read one of those crappy click bait articles titled 82 Generic White Guy Names and What They Say About His Personality. I located my name, Matt: Hits on girls who are way out of his league. Okay. This all seems pretty arbitrary and hastily thrown together, not really based on much research. I found my full name too: Matthew: Always threatens to “write about you” in his future book. Whatever. This seems pretty easy so I have tried my own hand but with female names. Below are the most common baby names of 2015. We’re screwed.
Sophia – Only buys the expensive parmesan cheese.
Emma – Gets wasted on hard cider and calls the cops on herself.
Olivia – Constantly cutting bikini waxing coupons.
Ava – Always looks bored, particularly during fireworks shows.
Isabella – Acts very high and mighty about starring in a Shakespeare in the Park production of Hamlet.
Mia – Often mousey and sporting a crew cut, main topics of conversation are avoiding gluten and planning cheat meals which contain high levels of gluten.
Zoe – Stripped in college, intent on opening a restaurant with a pun in the title.
Lily – Sleepyhead working on a pill problem, pallid, forces the Thanksgiving dinner conversation toward the topic of HIV rates in Africa.
Emily – Has been interning for the past sixteen years.
Madison – Her dad paid for her beamer through insider trading tips. Shows up to college courses in pajama pants and makeup, highly promiscuous.
Chloe – Owns an obnoxious tiny dog, usually also named Chloe.
Charlotte – Constantly trying to organize camping trips.
Abigail – Affable, her car is littered with fast food bags, extremely vulnerable to guys who lie about their income.
Kaylee – Obsessively posts belfies to Instagram, talks a ton of shit about that one girl from her sorority, wonders why people don’t text her back.
Layla – Rides a bicycle with a basket on the front of it. Thinks this makes her awesome.
Harper – Always corrects your grammar, and this behavior is completely unsolicited.
Ella – Was told she could be anything she wanted. Currently unemployed.
Amelia – Has a cool studio she’s trying to sublet.
Arianna – Firmly hated by other women.
Riley – Constantly talking about quitting her breastauraunt job.
Aria – Is convinced her horoscope is completely accurate.
Hailey – Has three different boyfriends in three different towns.
Hannah – Recommends that we order some pizza. Does not want to chip in.
Aaliyah – Flunking out of dance class.
Addison – Main hobbies are fat shaming and vaguely talking about the need to ‘clean up the city.’
Mackenzie – Her side of the dorm is the messy one with the stray German Shepherd.
Ellie – Cannot get a firm grasp on the rules of volleyball.
Brooklyn – For some reason is the captain of the softball team even though she’s the worst player on the team.
Nora – Lesbian.
Scarlett – Comes from old money, self describes her look at “preppy chic.”
Grace – Her blowhardy Facebook posts are getting pretty annoying.
Anna – Has problems being alone and does not get along with her friends.
Isabelle – Claims to be famous in Russia.
Natalie – Calls 911 when she sees someone on her street she doesn’t recognize.
Kaitlyn – Easily offended, has hatched a plan to kill the cheerleading coach.
Sarah – Feels really bad about leaving her cat home all alone.
Audrey – Wants to have seventeen children. Pours the milk into a pitcher.
Elizabeth – Remains convinced she’s the subject of an international conspiracy to keep her working at the coffee shop.
Leah – Hot, definitely knows it.
Annabelle – Always talking about that new cupcake place.
Kylie – Those herpes rumors are pretty accurate.
Mila – Seems to be well off financially, nobody knows what she does for a living.
Claire – Always needs to borrow you car.
Victoria – Unfailingly pleasant, gets drunk and turns into a demonic gremlin.
Maya – Goes hiking at 6 am. Actually likes her family. Generally just better than you.
Elena – Just unloaded her condo for a nice profit.
Lucy – Goes to barbecue restaurants, complains about the lack of vegan options.
Savannah – Believes in ghosts, is judgmental toward people who don’t.
Gabriella – Harvard is her safety school.
Callie – A little too tan.
Alaina – Always wants to buy a bottle in the club, usually wears a red skin tight dress.
Sophie – Has an amazing spaghetti squash recipe.
Makayla – Had sex with Bieber once.
Kennedy – A little too tall, adept at soccer, only feels comfortable in a business suit.
Sadie – All of her sweaters are covered in dog hair. Has hairy armpits.
Skyler – Goes to both weeks of Coachella, considering a side gig in porn.
Allison – Just did some math on a cocktail napkin and lowered your mortgage by a hundred bucks a month.
Caroline – Reasonable, sturdy, and pragmatic. Carries too many things in her purse though.
Charlie – Has a tattoo that says Corndog in Japanese characters.
Penelope – Prone to longwinded lectures on feminism, wears leather pants in the summer, something about her scent is off.
Peyton – Pretty chill, reminds you to turn off your cell phone in the movie theater.
Samantha – Seeks to talk solely about all things Samantha.
Bailey – Chaotic family life, usually at least one parent is a stripper, had the worst lunches in school.
Maria – Goes to church three times a year.
Reagan – Wears fake prescription glasses.
Violet – No, I don’t want to read your fucking poetry. Usually sitting on a bean bag and smoking pot.
Eliana – Watches Thelma and Louise on repeat.
Eva – Steals money from other chicks purses at house parties. Currently has a reality show in development.
Stella – Thinks your jokes are absolutely hilarious.
Katherine – Counting the days until she becomes a grandmother and can finally have peace of mind.
Vivian – Knows the password to your email.
Alice – Overtly sexual and batshit crazy, is writing a novel about running away to join the circus.
Kayla – Rates herself slightly higher than the general public.
Alexis – Really mad that her dad is voting for Trump.
Sydney – Looks better close up than from far away, has an annual pass to most museums.
Jasmine – Gets way to excited about initiating new girls into her sorority, has invented several cruel traditions such as Boob Biting Week.
Julia – Always offers in earnest to split the check.
Cora – Having a tough day. Every day.
Piper – Dresses like a slut and celebrates her ‘birthday week.’
Paisley – Always available to talk, has no idea what she wants to be when she grows up.
Clara – Makes a ton of money bartending, openly disdains the customers.