White Girl Names and What They Say About Her Personality

I recently read one of those crappy click bait articles titled 82 Generic White Guy Names and What They Say About His Personality. I located my name, Matt: Hits on girls who are way out of his league. Okay. This all seems pretty arbitrary and hastily thrown together, not really based on much research. I found my full name too: Matthew: Always threatens to “write about you” in his future book. Whatever. This seems pretty easy so I have tried my own hand but with female names. Below are the most common baby names of 2015. We’re screwed.

Sophia – Only buys the expensive parmesan cheese.

Emma – Gets wasted on hard cider and calls the cops on herself.

Olivia – Constantly cutting bikini waxing coupons.

Ava – Always looks bored, particularly during fireworks shows.

Isabella – Acts very high and mighty about starring in a Shakespeare in the Park production of Hamlet.

Mia – Often mousey and sporting a crew cut, main topics of conversation are avoiding gluten and planning cheat meals which contain high levels of gluten.

Zoe – Stripped in college, intent on opening a restaurant with a pun in the title.

Lily – Sleepyhead working on a pill problem, pallid, forces the Thanksgiving dinner conversation toward the topic of HIV rates in Africa.

Emily – Has been interning for the past sixteen years.

Madison – Her dad paid for her beamer through insider trading tips. Shows up to college courses in pajama pants and makeup, highly promiscuous.

Chloe – Owns an obnoxious tiny dog, usually also named Chloe.

Charlotte – Constantly trying to organize camping trips.

Abigail – Affable, her car is littered with fast food bags, extremely vulnerable to guys who lie about their income.

Kaylee – Obsessively posts belfies to Instagram, talks a ton of shit about that one girl from her sorority, wonders why people don’t text her back.

Layla – Rides a bicycle with a basket on the front of it. Thinks this makes her awesome.

Harper – Always corrects your grammar, and this behavior is completely unsolicited.

Ella – Was told she could be anything she wanted. Currently unemployed.

Amelia – Has a cool studio she’s trying to sublet.

Arianna – Firmly hated by other women.

Riley – Constantly talking about quitting her breastauraunt job.

Aria – Is convinced her horoscope is completely accurate.

Hailey – Has three different boyfriends in three different towns.

Hannah – Recommends that we order some pizza. Does not want to chip in.

Aaliyah – Flunking out of dance class.

Addison – Main hobbies are fat shaming and vaguely talking about the need to ‘clean up the city.’

Mackenzie – Her side of the dorm is the messy one with the stray German Shepherd.

Ellie – Cannot get a firm grasp on the rules of volleyball.

Brooklyn – For some reason is the captain of the softball team even though she’s the worst player on the team.

Nora – Lesbian.

Scarlett – Comes from old money, self describes her look at “preppy chic.”

Grace – Her blowhardy Facebook posts are getting pretty annoying.

Anna – Has problems being alone and does not get along with her friends.

Isabelle – Claims to be famous in Russia.

Natalie – Calls 911 when she sees someone on her street she doesn’t recognize.

Kaitlyn – Easily offended, has hatched a plan to kill the cheerleading coach.

Sarah – Feels really bad about leaving her cat home all alone.

Audrey – Wants to have seventeen children. Pours the milk into a pitcher.

Elizabeth – Remains convinced she’s the subject of an international conspiracy to keep her working at the coffee shop.

Leah – Hot, definitely knows it.

Annabelle – Always talking about that new cupcake place.

Kylie – Those herpes rumors are pretty accurate.

Mila – Seems to be well off financially, nobody knows what she does for a living.

Claire – Always needs to borrow you car.

Victoria – Unfailingly pleasant, gets drunk and turns into a demonic gremlin.

Maya – Goes hiking at 6 am. Actually likes her family. Generally just better than you.

Elena – Just unloaded her condo for a nice profit.

Lucy – Goes to barbecue restaurants, complains about the lack of vegan options.

Savannah – Believes in ghosts, is judgmental toward people who don’t.

Gabriella – Harvard is her safety school.

Callie – A little too tan.

Alaina – Always wants to buy a bottle in the club, usually wears a red skin tight dress.

Sophie – Has an amazing spaghetti squash recipe.

Makayla – Had sex with Bieber once.

Kennedy – A little too tall, adept at soccer, only feels comfortable in a business suit.

Sadie – All of her sweaters are covered in dog hair. Has hairy armpits.

Skyler – Goes to both weeks of Coachella, considering a side gig in porn.

Allison – Just did some math on a cocktail napkin and lowered your mortgage by a hundred bucks a month.

Caroline – Reasonable, sturdy, and pragmatic. Carries too many things in her purse though.

Charlie – Has a tattoo that says Corndog in Japanese characters.

Penelope – Prone to longwinded lectures on feminism, wears leather pants in the summer, something about her scent is off.

Peyton – Pretty chill, reminds you to turn off your cell phone in the movie theater.

Samantha – Seeks to talk solely about all things Samantha.

Bailey – Chaotic family life, usually at least one parent is a stripper, had the worst lunches in school.

Maria – Goes to church three times a year.

Reagan – Wears fake prescription glasses.

Violet – No, I don’t want to read your fucking poetry. Usually sitting on a bean bag and smoking pot.

Eliana – Watches Thelma and Louise on repeat.

Eva – Steals money from other chicks purses at house parties. Currently has a reality show in development.

Stella – Thinks your jokes are absolutely hilarious.

Katherine – Counting the days until she becomes a grandmother and can finally have peace of mind.

Vivian – Knows the password to your email.

Alice – Overtly sexual and batshit crazy, is writing a novel about running away to join the circus.

Kayla – Rates herself slightly higher than the general public.

Alexis – Really mad that her dad is voting for Trump.

Sydney – Looks better close up than from far away, has an annual pass to most museums.

Jasmine – Gets way to excited about initiating new girls into her sorority, has invented several cruel traditions such as Boob Biting Week.

Julia – Always offers in earnest to split the check.

Cora – Having a tough day. Every day.

Piper – Dresses like a slut and celebrates her ‘birthday week.’

Paisley – Always available to talk, has no idea what she wants to be when she grows up.

Clara – Makes a ton of money bartending, openly disdains the customers.





Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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