Girlfriend Material

How often are you involved with a girl, maybe you’ve just met, and you can’t help but wonder if you should make it official, meaning – is she girlfriend material? In order to answer this question the most important preliminary screening tool you can use is my Cool Hot Smart test. There are plenty of cool chicks that aren’t hot, and there are plenty of hot chicks that aren’t smart and are undateable. But if you can answer yes to all three of those attributes, then you may have yourself a girlfriend.  

Unfortunately, even chicks that are Cool, Hot, and Smart can be weeded out if you don’t pay attention to the following red flags. Answering yes to one of these doesn’t necessarily mean that the girl isn’t girlfriend material, but if you find yourself nodding your head a lot, then you may have scored a false positive on the Cool Hot Smart test, most likely the Cool part.

1) She is poor. There’s nothing worse than dating a chick who is totally broke. Besides the fact that you will not be able to leave the house with her and not pay for all of her shit, these chicks can be really unhappy and prone to bitchiness. You might be too if you were scrounging quarters out of your cup holder in the Taco Bell drive-thru.

2) She makes references to exotic trips she’s taken. This probably means she’s a whore that bangs gross old hairy Persian guys who buy her stuff. I’m pretty sure Skyler didn’t decide she wanted to backpack around Dubai during her collegiate hippy phase. Definitely not girlfriend material.

3) She does the same thing as everyone else in town. Take LA, where I live for example. Actresses here are spilling out of night clubs like spawning salmon. There are only like ten successful actresses and the million other ones are just drags on society who grow more desperate by the day and will literally blow anyone who says they’re a producer. Its good to have girl with an actual tangible skill whose profession isn’t based on vanity. The same goes for other places, if you live in a mill town in Wisconsin, don’t date a chick that works at the mill. Its just not that interesting. Find a chick who does something  like build kayaks or edits porn. You might just learn some new material – girlfriend material.

4) Her parents support her. I once dated a chick who lived in a fantastic apartment, but never seemed to do anything. It became clear to me  that she was getting some assistance from her parents, which didn’t bother me until I saw that she was taking advantage. She had a gas card and would literally trade gas to everybody for cash or services like a rapper changing over food stamps. She would fill up with gas and then buy like four cases of coconut water on her dad’s card. This means she’ll do the same thing to you if it goes far enough. Stay away.

So, good luck finding yourself some girlfriend material, its not that easy.  I hope I could help.




Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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