Matt’s Hot Sauce Review

I don’t know about you, but for me nothing enhances the flavor of a delicious dish more than a spicy hot sauce. Whether its pizza, pasta, Mexican or authentic sushi, a little Frank’s Red Hot or Louisiana Pepper Sauce really does the trick. But there are a lot of options. Below I break down the most popular hot sauces.

1) Cholula – Cholula is a mild tomato based sauce that is perfect for tacos… Sorry I don’t mean to digress but what the hell is going on with this country? The Obama administration is allowing the passage of the Monsanto Protection Act as Obama has appointed to head the EPA and FDA mostly ex Monsanto executives? I mean, they don’t even care to hide it anymore. They’re rubbing it right in our faces, and I can’t help but think that this increased police presence may represent a heist on the American people.

Anyway, Cholula is pretty good. Put it on a fucking taco, who cares? You should just be lucky that you have food whether or not it has hot sauce on it. The same can’t be said for many people of other nations whose countries have been ravaged by U.S. and European based military coups allowing industrialized nations to steal natural resources as propped-up warlords embezzle the paltry aid dollars that they shouldn’t even need in the first place.

In fact it has recently come out that senior officials at the Pentagon have routinely paid off Al-Qaeda leaders, presumably to collect drug money which they then introduce into our economy, thereby driving down the dollar and upping the status of their own Swiss bank accounts. I really believe that there is a vast Republican conspiracy, all you have to do is look at a few graphs to prove it.

Seriously, why are you still reading about hot sauce?

The first graph I would recommend is called Income Disparity and hopefully you can find one that goes from about 1960 to present. The second graph I would recommend is called C.E.O. Earnings Compared to Average Worker. On this graph you will see that C.E.O.s used to make about five times more than their average employee, and now they make about 250-500 times as much.

These are the same people who are basically writing legislation through their lobbying efforts. We are so fucked.

I can’t believe you’re reading about hot sauce of all things in times like these.

2) Tabasco. Tabasco is pretty good, I recommend it. It is vinegar based and has a nice kick to it.

You know what, this is stupid, hot sauce is all pretty much the same shit. Fuck off, just be glad you have a taco. Or maybe you should lay off the tacos, you fat fucking asshole.

In Part 2 I’ll get into buffalo sauce!


Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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