matt ralston

Why Hipsters are Almost as Smart as they Think

Everyone who isn’t a hipster hates hipsters. But hipsters love themselves. Hence their self indulgent misused sense of irony when it comes to daily living, walking around with their flea-market props, having the nerve to suggest that this preoccupation with antiquated kitsch is a commitment on their part, as if we aren’t well aware that they will adapt to the next popular spectacle the way that the Woodstock generation found it cool to support Ronald Reagan’s eugenics campaign the second they were told that it was “in.”

Przystanek Woodstock 2012

Filthy Idiots

I don’t think that hipsters are smarter than anyone really, you’ve never met a hipster doctor or scientist, or any kind of hipster that contributes to society. You’ve only seen hipsters feigning their disdain at such people as they leaf through a journal that they bought at a yard sale for 25 cents – that journal being a first person account of an actual doctor detailing his experiences of his residency as the hipster smirks and looks around to see if you are watching them read it.

James Franco

Pretentious Idiot

We all know that hipsters are ostensibly stupid. We aren’t fooled into thinking that the celebration of antiquation somehow elevates such antiquation to a level of prominence it never held in the first place, are we? Am I supposed to think my grandfather would buy an old record player if he could afford a new one? Am I supposed to be impressed that someone in a costume bought an old record player when I own an ipod dock?

Have you ever looked back at the 70’s and seen dudes wearing bell bottoms and polyester shirts in the summer like fucking idiots?

saturday-night-fever-image

Gay Idiot

Or in the sixties when hippies danced around in mud with braids and herpes and decided to worship a god named “Zolba?” Or in the 80’s when guys wore skinny ties and self-tanner?  In all of these eras, the men were sheepishly insecure idiots who would have stapled a lizard to their head if you told them they’d get a hand job, and the women, ironically in a quest for liberation copied exactly what they were told was cool in Cosmo, and the overall effect was that they now should be embarrassed in embodying a decade.

FlockOfSeagulls2

Group of Idiots

The sad truth – this is what hipsters will be to the oughts. Twenty years from now, when you watch a movie and they attempt to portray 2014, the ‘everyman’ character will be a guy with a smelly beard an a used t-shirt he bought for fifty dollars, wearing skinny jeans and boots, and just carrying around a bunch of old cameras and whatever other shit he bought to show you how interesting he is in an attempt to display some sort of belief system about the consumerism which he is unknowingly participating in.

He will smoke a hand-rolled cigarette and have other slightly noticeable behaviors.

And he will represent a generation of people who glare at him while he orders coffee, although the perturbed party won’t be in costume and therefore be less memorable in a snapshot.

CVbeaut3

Garbage

 

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