I’m not going to beat around the bush here – anyone who doesn’t live in L.A. or Manhattan has foundered drastically – sorry Chicago, enjoy your sausages. Since the United States will inevitably be judged solely on the trajectory of these two cities, it is important for the residents to behave in a conscientious manner. Here are some tips for daily elite living:
1) Purchase as many gluten containing products as possible every week, and dissolve with lye to minimize exposure to others.
2) Only use polish that is not tested on animals when cleaning leather upholstery, boots, or belts.
3) Try to brighten up people’s lives as you go about your daily routine. It is a known fact that everyone loves your dog as much as you do – so make sure and expose it to as many people as possible everyday. This may mean obtaining fraudulent service dog status and bringing your dog into restaurants, bars, airplanes or triage units. This is an especially good idea during springtime, as your special dog will be shedding everywhere, so people will get to take a piece of it home with them!
4) Since your dog cannot legally be a vegan like yourself without dying, only feed it cows or chickens who are homophobic.
5) When spreading rumors about friends of yours, slip in a nice comment about their wonderful smile.
6) Stay away from negative energy. The world is filled with negative energy, so, do not familiarize yourself with the world.
7) If you come down with a serious cancer or autoimmune disorder, first attempt to treat it with garlic, marmalade, maple syrup or whatever happens to be in your fridge. If your condition worsens, sell your stock in Pfizer and visit a doctor.
8) Drink at least eight bottles of the Coca Cola company’s latest product Smart Water a day but DO NOT purchase any actual Coke because it is corporate.
9) Recycle your grocery store tote-bags.
10) DO NOT store your yoga mat in a confined area such as a closet, as mold or mildew may grow on it. Yoga mats are a haven for staphylococcus, ringworm, and a host of other parasites and bacteria. Not to mention, they are drenched in sweat. Make sure and air the mat out in an area with lots of airflow. Simply roll the mat loosely so that air may circulate, and then walk around a Trader Joe’s for five or six hours. An old homeopathic sweat neutralizer is to rub your mat on some produce.
Good luck doing the Lord’s work. Or whatever entity you believe in. Maybe God is really just the moon or something, you know?