I never ask anything of my readers, be they friend, fan, or person who hates me and reads all of this stuff for reasons I don’t understand. Whoever you are, it is vital that you call the ARCO Smog Check station on the corner of Franklin and Gower (323-467-8397) and tell the guy who answers the phone that he IS A FUCKING LOSER.
Here’s what happened:
I take my car in to get a smog check. Because the city of L.A. is very concerned about fossil fuel pollution – which is why they grant subsidies to the petroleum industry and TAX THE FUCK out of the film industry – the identity of the city by the way, because, I don’t know why, BUT FUCK DICK CHENEY TOO.
So I take my car in to get a smog check, and the guy who works there performs a series of what appear to be bullshit tests with a contraption that looks like a curling iron.
Me: Are you done yet?
Him: I am almost done.
Bad teeth by the way.
Oh, it looks like we have a problem. You failed the smog check.
Why?
Your check engine light is on, that is an automatic fail.
Please call the guy and tell him he’s a cocksucker.
My check engine light is indeed on. I left my headlights on one time, and had to get a jump from a friend. When we went to apply the jumper cables to the battery, they wouldn’t fit on it because Wolkswagen has designed their vehicles that only Stephen Hawking can figure out how to open the FUCKING HOOD… so in order to gain access to the battery terminals I had to haphazardly remove a small panel of sensors that covered the battery. These sensors regulate the warning lights on the dashboard.
After I regained use of the car I went to the Volkswagen dealership in Van Nuys (818-785-7111) and was told that they could re-set the lights, but, check out the balls on these fuckers – it would be priced at about $100 – wait for it…. PER LIGHT. I said, um, fuck you also, and left.
Then I called my dad who serves the function of being an actual adult male as opposed to the gangly retard who is writing this and, through trial and error, he assisted me in getting most of the lights re-set, but the check engine light stayed on because it does that quite often.
SO:
The guy (323-467-8397) tells me that I failed the smog check. I said:
Why did you perform the smog check when the first thing you saw upon getting your shitty teeth into the vehicle was that the check engine light was on?
He explained to me that he is a criminal. I luckily stopped short of throwing the guy across the room and pounding his face in and called the police to explain that I was not paying for the service.
They didn’t show up.
So I paid the guy, because we live in a rampant police state where citizens have no power over businesses, which is weird, because according to the U.S. government, ARCO is in fact a person (See Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission.)
So, I guess its not weird that George H.W. Bush ran the C.I.A. and had vast Saudi banking connections at the same time, and that all of the 9-11 hijackers were Saudi and then the U.S. invaded two other countries in response to it and the vice-president owned stock in no-bid contracts at the same time…
Nothing is fucked here.
The only way to make it right is to call the ARCO smog check center and air whatever grievances you have with the world.
I would really appreciate it, thank you.
(323-467-8397)
*ask for Andy.