Why You and Your Dog can F Yourselves. 1

I recently had lunch with a very good friend of mine. She’s a vegan.

I think you can do the math and realize that she had a displaced attachment to fluffy animals and isn’t just doing it for the iron deficiency.

So, first thing she tells me is that she adopted a new dog.

Do you find it odd that the people who adopt dogs find it necessary to tell you that the dog is adopted? Maybe I don’t care where you got it. And why does it smell like piss?

“Yeah they found him in Chatsworth underneath an abandoned fight club. I guess the previous owner used to dress up like Mad Max and put cigarillos out on his sleeping bag.”

Snore. Wait, oh really? Is that the narrative you got from the bipolar incest survivor who pawned the dog off on you? You know, the chick that works for the “charity” which entails hoarding animals on the 1.5 acres that she got in her divorce from Ben Roethlisberger?

Even people who adopt kids don’t pull that shit. They just say he had a a hard life and spare you the details. So what’s with the savior complex Kaitlin?

While I do like dogs, we have to admit that they’re really dumb. Even a really smart dog isn’t smart enough to know that Jim Belushi isn’t funny. In fact, a dog isn’t even smart enough to understand Jim Belushi’s humor.

Even if dogs evolved a great deal from their current state, the best you could hope for is that they would understand Jim Belushi’s humor and think he is hilarious. And that’s just pathetic if you ask me.

I know what you’re thinking.

“Matt, you don’t understand, dogs are pure. They love you unconditionally, no matter what.”

Also reflects poorly on them. You’re telling me that a dog will love Jim Belushi just because Jim Belushi bought the dog? That’s bullshit. Where’s their sense of character?

Anyway, here’s the point of the story. As she’s going on and on about her vegan heroics over some thick-cut french fries, she pulls out… An iPhone. Now, that’s a move.

I’m sure you’ve heard about the situation regarding the manufacturing of iPhones, but in case you haven’t:

Apple runs a plant in China called Foxconn, which boasts some of the most horrid working conditions on earth.

Apart from that, the minerals necessary to produce the mother board on an iphone are hard to come by and extracting them means doing serious damage to the earth and in many instances doing business with warlords who enslave their own people (in the Congo.)

So, I don’t really care if you don’t buy leather shoes.

Canvass isn’t bad. And I know you love dogs. At least attractive ones.

But you know what would be a real sacrifice? Putting down that iPhone for a tin-can and a string.

Yeah but that’s not going to happen, because that wouldn’t really jibe with your image.

Here’s what you’re saying to me when you pull out that phone with your dog on your lap:

“I like my dog, and it’s more important than my fellow people, and the planet in general.”

And to this I must say, fuck you and the dog you carried in here.