Matt Ralston's Blog

Zach Miko Is So Right Now In A Bad Way

Mar

21

2016

IGM Models, the most powerful modeling agency in the world, just signed Zach Miko as their first plus sized male model and he will be heading up their Brawn Division. Apparently they don’t say Husky anymore because we all know it just means pre-diabetic. Brawn will eventually come to be identified with guys who hide ...

Hillary Clinton, Basta!

Mar

14

2016

Hillary Clinton’s hispandering is increasingly patronizing to Latinos in my opinion. She was recently discussing Donald Trump’s shameless race bating on the issue: “I called him out when he was calling Mexicans racist. When he was engaging in rhetoric that I found deeply offensive, I said Basta…” Basta means ‘stop it’ or ‘cut it out’ or ...

RIP Republican Party 4

Mar

6

2016

It’s an absolute joy watching the Republican party eat shit and die. You lazily racist morons have gotten exactly what you asked for. Unprecedented in American history was a party on record as saying they would obstruct progress for eight years until their guy got elected. It borders on treason, and it also didn’t work. Why are ...

Some Sushi Places Think You’re An Idiot 1

Feb

28

2016

Happy Hour all day sounds like an amazing deal. Upon closer inspection, if you have Happy Hour all day, aren’t those just your regular prices? This is becoming increasingly common amongst sushi places and I’d be weary of any establishment trying to con me into eating its food. If you’re going to resort to informercial ...

Is The Race Issue Becoming Black And White?

Feb

22

2016

I should start this off by acknowledging the obvious, that I’m super fucking white. I’m the color of a bottle of lotion. I’m whiter than mayonnaise on a croissant. That being said, growing up on the outskirts of nowhere, I also think I’m blacker than, say, the closet homosexual Scientologist Will Smith, and definitely his ...

Peyton Manning Gets Away With Murder

Feb

10

2016

“I’m gonna drank a lotta Budweiser tonight Tracy, I promise ‘ya that.” Imagine if Cam Newton had won the Super Bowl and one of his first sentences was “I’m bout to pound a lotta Hennessy tonight.” I’d predict an impending firestorm of hate, although to be fair Cam Newton doesn’t own any liquor distributorships, as Manning does. Manning ...

Why Martin Shkreli Is Gangster

Feb

4

2016

Martin Shkreli is the cartoonishly evil capitalist who started a business which bought licenses for drugs with expired patents, and famously raised the price of one from $13 a pill to $750 per pill, which allowed him the disposable income to do what is called #ballin’. While #ballin’ Shkreli bought an album recorded by the Wu-Tang Clan ...

Kobe Bryant’s Charade Proves He’s Overrated

Feb

1

2016

The Kobe Bryant retirement spectacle says a lot about him as a player. He’s on one of the worst teams in the league, his contract has crippled the team, and he’s totally cool with going out and shooting an abysmal percentage while taking bad shots, even though he’s now a below average player. It’s basically what ...

Let’s Talk About Police Privilege 2

Jan

22

2016

With all the talk about privilege these days, as well as the various cultural issues tied to policing, I find it strange I haven’t heard anything mentioned about police privilege. Police indeed possess many privileges not afforded to the average civilian. It’s nearly impossible for them to be brought to trial, and if so, convicted for any ...

The Editor Of The Huffington Post Doesn’t Read Books Written By White People

Jan

16

2016

Chloe Angyal is the Senior Front Page Editor at The Huffington Post. She recently wrote a piece, conspicuously published on The Huffington Post, titled “I Decided Not To Read Books By White Authors For A Year. Conservatives Lost Their Damn Minds.” She briefly explains how whites are overrepresented in the literary world in general and in ...