Matt Ralston's Blog

Is 2 Chainz Making Criminal Threats In His Dumb Songs?

Nov

16

2015

An inordinate amount of rap songs reference murdering someone. I always wondered why, if Tupac wasn’t totally full of shit, would he would rap about killing people so often, sometimes going as far as to mention several details which, if true, would have been useful to homicide investigators. If you actually killed people, wouldn’t your ...

Sweetgreen Sends Mixed Messages

Nov

9

2015

I was sitting in a restaurant called Sweetgreen on Beverly Blvd having a locally sourced organic salad when something caught my eye. It was a quote from Calvin Broadus Jr, which is the real name of the rapper Snoop Dogg. It said “It ain’t no fun if the ...

The My Buddy Doll Is Under Discussed

Nov

6

2015

I was trying to explain the My Buddy doll to a group of people who are younger than I am. This was a product advertised incessantly on children’s television programming in the mid to late 80’s, marketed to little boys who apparently needed a potato sack to carry around because they didn’t have any friends ...

Paul Ryan is Not a Real Man

Nov

5

2015

“I cannot and will not give up my family time.” Those are the words of Paul Ryan whilst throwing in his bargaining chips to negotiate the forgone conclusion that he’ll replace the corporate owned John Boehner, a joyless creep whose job was to bridge the interests of the CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies with everyone else ...

Why Professional Sports Need 2 Dimensional Field Altering Technology

Oct

23

2015

Most sports, at least the good ones, are the same game with minor variations: Basketball, football, soccer, hockey, lacrosse, tennis, rugby, etc – there is a goal at each end of a rectangular shaped field and you defend your end and score on the other. Most of these sports are horrendously boring and we need ...

I Don’t Think Stephen Hawking Wrote All His Books

Oct

14

2015

What do you think most about during the day? Women. They are a complete mystery. That was the answer Stephen Hawking, theoretical physicist, gave in a recent interview. Let’s be honest, nobody knows if he’s really doing anything. You and I haven’t read his books and his language is shrouded in scientific mumbo jumbo. He’s a professor ...

Cecil The Lion Deemed More Important Than Brown People

Oct

12

2015

I found it troubling that I noticed roughly ten times as many posts on my social media accounts about a dead lion than about a U.S. airstrike in Afghanistan which took out a hospital run by Doctors Without Borders (internationally known as Médecins Sans Frontières), which is a humanitarian organization devoted to providing medical aid to ...

The Pope Is Cool With Kim Davis

Sep

30

2015

It was recently confirmed by the pope’s spokesperson, not God but the real one, that he met privately with thrice divorced swashbuckling religious lunatic Kim Davis, who believes in the sanctity of marriage too much to do a job she took an oath, Under God, to do. How ironic. Davis found God in 2011 after her third ...

Let’s Stop Kissing Pope Francis’ Ass Now

Sep

26

2015

I’m tired of hearing about how great Pope Francis is because he says things that sound halfway reasonable and acts like he’s a fucking revolutionary. What kind of bar has the Catholic church set? You don’t think gay people are going to hell? Everyone already knew that, you old fuck. Aren’t you the figurehead of ...

Dr. Drew Is Hawking Bulletproof Bullshit

Sep

23

2015

Bulletproof Coffee is the brainchild of Dave Asprey, a talented entrepreneur whose rabid enthusiasm for promotion is necessitated by the fact that his product is benignly stupid. Asprey claims to have research proving Bulletproof Coffee can reduce inflammation, lead to weight loss, and improve brain function and concentration. He says his coffee beans are low in mycotoxins, which according ...