Matt Ralston's Blog

My iPhone Creeps Me Out

Oct

17

2014

I was recently shipped a new iPhone, the first one I have owned. Right away it started to creep me out. When I turned it on the first thing it asked me was to login to iCloud. I didn’t know what the iCloud was but its Orwellian name made me inherently suspect. Are you telling me ...

Racist People Gravitate Towards Football 6

Oct

13

2014

Last year I wrote an article abuot how its a strange coincidence the NFL is 67 percent black, and its most prestigious position, quarterback, is 79 percent white. Its one of those elephants in the room I find hard to ignore. Particularly when my mind is wandering during a six hour blowout. Statistically this is an ...

Gone Girl Sucks 2

Oct

7

2014

Spoiler Alert: Gone Girl sucks. Its a movie about a crazy woman who thinks she is dirty and salacious because she bangs her husband. Her husband is Ben Affleck, played by Ben Affleck. He displays some serious acting chops as he is able to switch from being half pudgy to WWF roided out of his ...

The Secret Life Of Walter O’Brien 19

Oct

4

2014

I spoke to Walter O’Brien again regarding his claims of being a genius, which is what the tinny CBS procedural Scorpion is loosely based on. I had been suspicious of O’Brien’s claims, as he proclaimed himself a bonafide supergenious yet sounded merely pompous and also said a bunch of stupid shit like that Blackwater should assassinate unpopular ...

American Airlines’ Twitter Account Is The Penultimate F.U. To Customers

Oct

2

2014

This has happened to me twice, I’m on a flight, the flight sucks because the government has allowed all these already shit airlines to merge together creating a lack of competition, leading to Velcro magazine pockets on rickety old planes because there is now zero need to invest upkeep in your slumlord airlines, thirty guys ...

Scorpion On CBS Genius? 4

Sep

25

2014

I recently listened to Adam Carolla’s podcast, which I enjoy for its snappy discourse, diversity of opinion and quality guests. Carolla’s guests on this episode were Nick Santora – a successful TV producer – and Walter O’Brien, a self labeled genius, who claims to be “1 in 1.4 billion” because he says his IQ score ranks him ...

How Neo-Progressive Yuppy Anti Vaxers Cause Climate Change

Sep

14

2014

There is currently an outbreak of whooping cough in the LA area. Whooping cough, or pertussis, has been pretty highly contained since the 1940’s, when people way smarter than your average Prius driving ankle tattooed fuck tard developed a vaccine for it. A vaccine is a thing that mobilizes one’s immune system against a common ...

West Hollywood Public Artist Confirms Fears

Sep

9

2014

Earlier I wrote a musing about how artist Shana Mabari‘s public art sculptures which cost the city of West Hollywood $24,000 dollars are probably shill advertising for corporate banks. I theorized this because the resemblance is uncanny and also because I have this gnawing notion that banks are increasingly looking to mark their presence wherever possible, and ...

The Big Banks Occupation Of WeHo 2

Sep

8

2014

Everyone in America seems to have a basic understanding of how the constantly merging big banks are screwing us. Failing that, they at least understand that it is happening, that Obama is cool with it, and that there is really nothing to be done because the people we elect tell us we need them. Following the ...

West Hollywood Makes Personal Trainers Sweat

Aug

27

2014

A friend of mine is a personal trainer and recently told me that West Hollywood is on the verge of making it illegal for her to train someone in a public park without a permit. Many cities in the county have already done the same. The law would impose fines for those who get paid ...