Matt Ralston's Blog

People who Look Like Turtles Part I 2

Nov

16

2013

I’ve noticed recently that a lot of people strongly resemble turtles – and may in fact just be turtles who have learned how to walk. While I respect their privacy – and I must say that all of these turtles are successful and respectable people – I feel the need to inform the public that ...

Does Supporting the Troops Imply a Vast Conspiracy? 2

Nov

14

2013

Living in America, I have found the constant barrage of pleas for my acknowledgement of our men and women in uniform to be perplexing. Me: Wait, why are the marines performing a color guard ceremony right now? What does this have to do with baseball? Everyone Else in the Room: Dude, shut up. I honestly don’t understand ...

F the Dolphins

Nov

12

2013

I’m tired of hearing about the oceans. Not that I don’t care, I do, but why are we concentrating our attention on dolphins. You know the storm drains go straight to the ocean! Yeah, you know where else they go? RIGHT PAST YOUR FUCKING HOUSE. A quick personal anecdote: When I lived in Fairbanks we ...

How to Re-Meet Friends and Alienate People

Nov

12

2013

How do I state this without sounding creepy – well, when I have a genuine connection with someone (meaning that I enjoy hanging out with them), I immediately categorize them as a friend, whether I see them every day, or once a year. Like everyone, I have varying degrees of friends – but the basic ...

Time to Lay Off of Skinny Chicks

Nov

11

2013

A few days ago I had lunch with a female friend of mine. Our waitress was a thin woman – not anorexic looking or anything, just thin. After we left we chatted on the sidewalk for a while, and she said: Oh my God! Did you see how skinny that bitch was!?!, in a critical and ...

What’s up with Bullying?

Nov

6

2013

This is a question I’d thought about a lot prior to the situation with Richie Incognito – an idiotic football player who has been kicked off of the Miami Dolphins for bullying a player who appears to be a more sensible person, and perhaps as a result, a slightly less effective NFL linebacker. I think that the ...

Please Call and Harass This Person

Nov

3

2013

I never ask anything of my readers, be they friend, fan, or person who hates me and reads all of this stuff for reasons I don’t understand. Whoever you are, it is vital that you call the ARCO Smog Check station on the corner of Franklin and Gower (323-467-8397) and tell the guy who answers ...

Some Pick-Up Line Suggestions 1

Oct

30

2013

Everyone knows that the best way to meet hot singles is to approach them in bars and ask them creepy rhetorical questions like they do in 80’s movies. If you are too dumb to think of any yourself, here are some suggestions that I wrote: 1) “Hey, you wouldn’t by chance work as a contractor ...

How to Lessen your First-Tier Urban Center Footprint

Oct

26

2013

I’m not going to beat around the bush here – anyone who doesn’t live in L.A. or Manhattan has foundered drastically – sorry Chicago, enjoy your sausages. Since the United States will inevitably be judged solely on the trajectory of these two cities, it is important for the residents to behave in a conscientious manner. ...

Another Candidate for The Worst Person I’ve Ever Met

Oct

21

2013

This is a person I grew up with in my hometown of Fairbanks Alaska where I was born and raised. Some readers may easily find out who I’m talking about, although I have changed the individual’s name for the purposes of him not tracking me down and killing me. Since this person is so enigmatically ...