Matt Ralston's Blog

Why West Coasters Are More American

May

30

2018

I’ve become tired of this notion espoused among people who live on the East Coast that they are part of the real America and everything west of Philadelphia is sand and Portlandia. East coasters who have moved to the West Coast constantly complain about how you can’t get good pizza here and talk about how ...

In Defense of the Grilled Cheese

May

21

2018

I’ve been told I’m a picky eater. I consider it a compliment. You should discriminate. Don’t be one of those people that just takes whatever is given to them. If you want to eat a Dodger Dog or a Jumbo Jack that’s fine. Just accept the fact that you’re a fucking moron though. Once you ...

The Left’s Embrace of Stormy Daniels is Pathetic

May

7

2018

Was I the only person slightly sickened by Stormy Daniels getting a raucous ovation while making a cameo on Saturday Night Live last week? I also find it problematic that certain media entities are willing to masquerade under the pretense that Stormy Daniels is a credible person whose story should be believed. These mainstream corporate ...

The Problem Is That Apu Was Actually Cool

May

1

2018

In the wake of comedian Hari Kondabolu’s documentary The Problem with Apu, there is growing pressure on the part of The Simpsons creators to retire the character. Hank Azaria, the voice of Apu, appeared to be resigned to the issue while giving a contrite interview with Stephen Colbert, proclaiming: “I really want to see Indian, ...

Nobody Mentions That Engagement Rings Are Sexist

Apr

27

2018

I keep hearing this constant siren song about equality. We need more female engineers. More female directors. Women should not have to wear revealing clothing at a major feature film audition for the role of Hot Chick. You shouldn’t say someone ‘runs like a girl’ or ‘throws like a girl’, because women can throw just ...

The Case Against Self-Immolation

Apr

16

2018

You may have heard that prominent lawyer, David S Buckel, who was best known for being a key player in several prominent legal battles for gay rights, decided to commit suicide by lighting himself on fire in Central Park. I would argue, he is now best known for the fire thing as opposed to his ...

Oral History of Britney Griner Vs Glory Johnson

Apr

11

2018

This has only happened once in professional sports. WNBA power forwards Britney Griner and Glory Johnson married each other, then got into a domestic dispute, were both arrested for domestic violence, and then played a game against each other afterwords. There has never been another instance of married, or divorced for that matter, people competing ...

Mr. T’s Wiki Page Is Problematic

Mar

28

2018

Being an intellectual heavyweight I recently sat down with a tall glass of Mountain Dew (Code Red) and proceeded to read Mr. T’s entire Wikipedia page. It turns out the page, exclusively sourced from Mr. T’s autobiography, is filled with ludicrous Chuck Norris Joke style claims which would appear to strain credulity. It would appear ...

Saturday Night Live’s Irish Cousin Fucking Sketch Was Interesting

Mar

21

2018

Last week Saturday Night Live aired a sketch celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. The premise of the sketch was that it was one of those dating shows from the 1980’s where they pick a a person and put three people of the opposite sex behind a partition and they are asked questions and answer them with ...

How To Treat A Trump Supporter

Mar

17

2018

It has come to my absolute shock and horror that a lot of people who, mostly, don’t live in cities love Donald Trump. These are the same people who questioned whether or not Barack Obama was born in the United States, and, tangentially coincidentally, Trump was the spokesperson for this ‘movement’, constantly appearing on Fox ...