The commonly defined years of birth for the Millennial generation are between 1982-2001. Having been born in January of 1982 I recently realized that I am a proud Millennial. I would like to take this time, as one of the oldest surviving Millennials to give a brief retrospective of my generation. Please be respectful.
We grew up withe the self-esteem movement. Trophy Kids with participation ribbons. I have several hanging in my yurt, one is from the 4-H club. My mom got me the berries from Ralph’s.
We like the idea of expressing our opinions yet not to the degree of doing a lot of reading about them. That’s not the fun part.
Having experienced the bank led financial meltdown mid 2000’s, a lot of Millennials have found trouble gaining employment, and maybe lived with our coddling parents for a few extra years who might have encouraged us to “follow our hearts” and major in French Literature.
Hence we’re a generation more obsessed with becoming wealthy than any other, and one of the least likely. Because of this, and also a genuine sense of victimization, our generation can be described as either disadvantaged or wannabe disadvantaged. Hence Tupac and Justin Bieber, respectively. Also we shop to look homeless too so that helps the cause.
We’re a generation that wants to be rewarded simply by virtue of self acceptance. We are existentialists who don’t believe in materialism unless it’s something cool.
We want to be rock stars but can’t play an instrument or sing. Hence Auto-Tune. American Idol’s 20 second sets. Pretending DJing is a talent.
We want to be actors and filmmakers but don’t want to write anything or act. Hence Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
We want to be rich without having a job. Hence Paris Hilton.
We want to be professional athletes but also want to drink a lot. Hence, fantasy sports.
We want to express our outrage from the comfort of our body pillows. Hence Twitter.
We want to end racism and sexism and poverty yet distance ourselves firmly from poor people and bad neighborhoods. Hence Harvard’s complaint forum.
We want freedom of speech, as long as we approve of it first.
Our activism is in fact so advanced that it often amounts to inaction. Not working out, for example, is how I express my solidarity with the feminist cause of body shaming.
I want to fight injustice yet not jeopardize my delicate sensibilities. Hence my T-shirt advertising all my Trigger Warnings.
I want you to know I’m pro-gay so badly that I act coy about being gender fluid and issue mild hints about my possible homosexual tendencies just to put it out there. I also have a business card listing the acceptable gender pronouns you may refer to me as. If you’re speaking Spanish to me, please use the Usted form.
I’ve actually been lying about my gluten allergy to protest Monsanto, yet if I see a peanut my spleen will explode due to a traumatic experience with legumes.
I bring my little Yorki everywhere. It’s an anxiety dog. They always give me a hard time in the Triage room when I’m passing out my headshots to cheer up the drive-by victims.
I don’t consider myself a hipster, yet I wear pants that look like diapers. I don’t like what other people like. Neither do all my friends. We all like the same things.
I have a man bun and a ten foot beard which I drape into various brunch buffets because Rumi said something about life giving back or something.
I go on many great adventures, where I take photos of my salads. My sense of independence is unflinching, and is all documented on a webpage owned by a guy named Zuckerberg.
So here I beg of you my fellow douchebags, we all know we’re super great, but we can do more. Let’s take life’s issues head on and look at things from a broader perspective instead of merely indulging our own… I’ll be right back to finish this my avocado toast is burning.