Caitlyn Jenner Proves Your Soul Has A Price


The reaction surrounding Bruce Jenner’s public becoming of Caitlyn Jenner on the cover of Vanity Fair was met with the cries associated with the hailing of a new Saint. The conventional narrative was that Jenner had ‘found her authentic self’ as the superbly well adjusted Demi Moore stated, as a typical example:

Ellen DeGeneres’ insipid Kim Kardashian’s asshole ridden Twitter feed echoed the media’s ordained platform that Jenner had accomplished an act of heroism:

Brave. Authentic. Alright…

In order to find her true self Bruce Jenner had to do the following: Rhinoplasty, a brow lift, cheek implants, a shaved Adam’s apple, liposuction (belly fat injected into butt cheecks), breast implants and botox injections. That’s estimated to cost about $70,000. Couple that with the $500 a month hormone replacements and of don’t forget the “$200, custom-made ivory satin Edy Corset” which Caitlyn wore on the cover.

Jenner has already recorded a reality show which will presumably cover her full transition into womanhood. Male to female sexual reassignment surgery is estimated to cost around $20,000. That’s assuming Bruce drove a Civic. Let’s conservatively double that. After all they have to slice open your scrotum, remove the testes, strip the skin from the penis, cut the urethra and remove the excess penis, and then use the excess skin to create a labia. At which point complications are common.

Do you trust a discount clinic with this procedure? Or a few specialists. Such as the one Caitlyn is using. Let’s wait for the infomercials and, god willing, her endorsement of a nice facility in Beverly Hills.

I’d say if you believe in the concept of a soul this represents a slap in the face to those who came directly before you and those who will come after you.

The ego involved to believe you’re the one who got it right is mesmerizing.

I’d boil down enlightenment to living in the now.

All totaled we’re looking at a cool quarter million dollars to find yourself.

Did I mention this cunt is a Republican?


I heard the corporations your party shills for are fighting the good fight to deny their employees healthcare and collective bargaining rights. There’s also the fact their bigotry against LGBT people plays a central role in most of their campaigns and they are the only party fighting against equality on the legislative front.

How are people supposed to find their true selves while struggling to pay the bills? They should have the integrity to remove themselves from the situation and applaud you. Like Ellen. And every other out of touch narcissist with a solid bank account and moral compass and lots of time to tweet.

What I deduce from this egotistical charade is that if you don’t have an extra $100,000 worth of trashy reality TV money you’re probably stuck in a purgatory of never realizing your full potential.

If you’re a farmer, fuck you. If you’re living paycheck to paycheck, fuck you. If you happen to live in a country where these medical procedures aren’t available, fuck you. If you were born 100 years ago, fuck you.

Since when are destiny and available medical technology intertwined? Are we to assume there have been souls which haven’t fully bloomed because the subjects didn’t have access to or couldn’t afford a bunch of surgery? 

You don’t get it. This is Jenner’s right. Not yours. The wealthy enjoy benefits not bestowed upon you. I haven’t heard of this sentiment since the Catholic Church’s policy of Indulgence which allowed you to buy your way into heaven.

Maybe you should have trained a little harder. Jenner sweated it out on the track and then left his family and whored out his high school dropout daughters while OJ’s bloody knife was in the crawl space.

Enjoy being trapped in your shell Diandra. Or should I say Derrick? Ball’s in your court. Call Monsanto and file a grievance. Maybe Jenner can patch you through to the CEO.

I’m confused.

I had always learned from books, movies, and religion that you’re supposed to look inward to find yourself.

I don’t remember that inspiring scene in Farris Bueller’s Day Off when Cameron realized he could use the family money to buy validation.

There’s no climactic end to the rom com where the damsel realizes she married the wrong guy because they have more witty banter than the stock broker she was fucking at the beginning of the film.

What is the precedent we are setting if you need excess funds to find yourself?

I don’t know. I’d say the moral is Caitlyn wins and if you find yourself in the same predicament while bagging groceries, you lose. She’s attained another status.

Like a god.

Except this god doesn’t love you, it loves itself.

Jenner is raking in the endorsements.

How appropriate.

What’s religion without profit?





Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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