Donald Trump Is The Ultimate Republican

He’s a racist and bigot and embodies entitlement. He demonizes the term Socialism while directly benefiting from it in his business dealings. He has a mail order bride and exhibits outwardly homosexual traits while disavowing the gay community.

Sound familiar?

Donald Trump is the Republican nominee because Donald Trump is the ultimate Republican. There was no conspiracy to give him the nomination. To the contrary there was a conspiracy against him. He is the nominee because he was the most Republican. He’s so Republican that real Republicans are embarrassed of him. That’s a fucking Republican.

Finally, democracy.

The Republican voting base wanted him. Which means they’re a revolting group of people.

Registered Republicans picked a guy who isn’t even a Republican just because he was an asshole. To be fair a lot of them like to consider themselves independents while sheepishly voting for the Bushes.

Trump pandered to them as the establishment candidates distanced themselves from their recent and repulsive history – of which Republican voters fully supported.

At least Trump embraced who he is. You can’t say the same of Cruz and Rubio.

There are Three Groups of Republicans. In order of most common:

1. Morons who vote against their own interests for people who espouse bigotry because they are toothless trailer park imbeciles who watch Fox News.

2. Trust fund douchebags who sucked Satan’s dick at Yale or Harvard and inherited their parents money and now judge people who weren’t in that position and enjoy a boy’s club of insider deals at their cushy jobs. To say the One Percent is missing the point entirely. Dave Matthews is in the one percent. Fucking Billy Ray Cyrus is in the one percent. And Miley. And your mattress guy. Don’t sell yourself short. You can be in the One Percent. You cannot be in the .001 percent.

3. Hardworking people who make roughly between $200,000 and $450,000 a year and don’t want to give an extra $10,000 in taxes per year. (Those statistics are inarguable and I respect those people although I’m not sure how much I’d be willing to vote for a congressman who hates the fags to save .2 percent of my income. Not being in that position, I can’t judge. I do think these are the most angry people because they’ve almost made it but not quite. They are obviously aspirational yet haven’t quite cracked the one percent. So, they’ll do whatever it takes and if that means shaming themselves to the point of identifying as Republican so as to not alienate the actual rich guy they’re playing a round of golf with and hoping he’ll include them in a business deal that’s a pretty small trade off. Especially when their welfare ass brother comes to Thanksgiving and you can both talk shit about Obama.)

Trump drew on the support of only Group 1. Group 2 wanted Jeb and then Marco and then anyone else. Group 3 removed their Facebook posts from the Mitt Romney rally.

That’s the secret of the Republican party. It’s 99 percent assholes. And they support Trump because he’s an asshole.

It’s the party of assholes.

All this shit about libertarianism and the free market doesn’t hold up. The Republican party is against libertarianism and believes in corporate welfare and not the free market and sucks other men’s dicks in the airport bathroom while talking shit about the gays and participates in just about every other clichéd hypocrisy you could imagine. Group 2 and Group 3 know this. Group 1 puts Mountain Dew in their baby’s bottle. It really shuts them up.

If you’re a Republican in Group 3 it’s time to admit you’re associated with scum and consider leaving the party. I’m not saying become a Democrat and vote for some war pig in a pant suit.

Just be Independent. Doesn’t that word epitomize the America you’re always glorifying while never embodying yourself?

But first: Apologize for Reagan, Agnew, Bush Sr., Bush Jr., Paulson, Cheney, Powell, McChrystal, McCain, and any other asshole you vouched for in the name of willful ignorance or just plain ignorance.

I haven’t heard much from the I Own My Own Dental Practice crowd recently. They’re not as ready to identify themselves without a false flag.

Donald Trump is so fucking Republican, he’s not.

That’s all of Group 1 and 2.

Can’t stay mum on this one, we know the deal now.

Thanks Donald.





Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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