The Trump’s Hair Is Telling 1

You can tell a lot about a man by his hair. In the case of Donald Trump, you can tell he is gross, artificial, insecure, ostentatious, and that he is prone to making bad decisions, based on his hair. You can also tell that he is a liar, based on his explanation of what the fuck is going on up there. From a Rolling Stone interview years back:

“OK, what I do is, wash it with Head and Shoulders. I don’t dry it, though. I let it dry by itself. It takes about an hour. Then I read papers and things… OK, so I’ve done all that. I then comb my hair. Yes, I do use a comb. Do I comb it forward? No, I don’t comb it forward. I actually don’t have a bad hairline. When you think about it, it’s not bad. I mean, I get a lot of credit for comb-overs. But it’s not really a comb-over. It’s sort of a little bit forward and back. I’ve combed it the same way for years. Same thing, every time.”

Trump is claiming that the mound of filament piled onto his head is a natural result of regular shampooing, air drying, and basic styling. If that’s the case, why does he need a cheap cap to keep it from blowing away?

Trump’s hairline does appear to actually be growing out of his cranium. At a campaign event leading up to the election, he invited one of his fat ill-informed racist supporters to tug on it to prove this. The woman was not invited to go near the top of his head, which is where most of the Little Shop of Horrors stuff is going on.

While Trump’s hairline appears to be in tact, it is not a natural phenomenon. It’s not normal to have encroaching hair, especially for a 70 year old man. Hairlines to not flood forth like an incoming tide, especially when the back of the guy’s head is often visible through his nest of plugs, pulley systems, and Ghillie suits.

According to Dr Paul McAndrews, an LA based hair transplant specialist, Trump most likely had a somewhat botched transplant surgery, and has taken to growing a giant mullet and rearranging the extension cord length hairs onto the top of his head to either “Hide baldness, to hide a bad transplant, or to hide a flap surgery scar.

Flap surgery is a mostly defunct method of cutting away bald parts of the scalp and literally stretching the hairy parts of the hairy parts back over. This would explain Trump’s Shane Battier style hairline, and also the fact that underneath his pile of discarded blonde fishing line is a visible patchwork of baldness and silly putty.

Trump isn’t the first major politician to have altered his hair. Joe Biden had hair plugs. So did long serving Wisconsin senators William Proxmire and Strom Thurmond. So, two centrist Democrats, a white supremacist and a trust fund dork who married a hooker. It’s not a partisan issue.

What’s clear is that with Trump’s menagerie of pelts he has glued to his skull, he’s taken body modification to levels previously unseen in the White House.

Accompanying him are two women who have also surgically altered themselves; his wife Melania Trump and his daughter Ivanka Trump.

Melania Trump has breast implants and has done a bunch of fucked up shit to her face to the point she now resembles a taxidermied elk cow.

Ivanka Trump also has fake tits and got her nose whittled down a while back, presumably when she was leaning more WASP than Orthodox Jew.

There’s always the argument that it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but they’ve both lied about it, so presume them to be ashamed and in Melania Trump’s case slightly disfigured and perhaps even reincarnated from that naive 17 year old nude model from the Old World.

What does this all mean?

As stated before, it means these people are liars. It also represents America’s feverish push toward idiocracy. With help from the Kremlin, it elected its first reality TV show president, and with that came his former escort Real Housewives of Manhattan wife and his My Super Sweet 16 daughter, all surgically altered privileged class anti-intellectuals who the poor working class lionize and live vicariously through.

The rest of us don’t watch this trash and are self assured enough to age gracefully and not hack at our faces and scalps or at the very least are informed and capable enough to do a decent job of it and get it right and be honest about it.


Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

One comment on “The Trump’s Hair Is Telling

  1. Reply Manalto Feb 22,2017 1:39 pm

    He “reads papers” while he’s waiting for his “hair” to dry. Ha! Hilarious.

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