Dr. Drew Is Hawking Bulletproof Bullshit

DrewCoffee

Bulletproof Coffee is the brainchild of Dave Asprey, a talented entrepreneur whose rabid enthusiasm for promotion is necessitated by the fact that his product is benignly stupid.

Asprey claims to have research proving Bulletproof Coffee can reduce inflammation, lead to weight loss, and improve brain function and concentration.

He says his coffee beans are low in mycotoxins, which according to his Crouching Tiger school of medicine can “steal your brain and make you weak.”

Remind me again are you a health expert or a 12th century hobbit?

Asprey has been proven to be full of shit, and his coffee is just another brand of regular ass coffee, although Bulletproof Coffee has two additional ingredients: 1-2 tablespoons of grass-fed butter, and 1-2 tablespoons of M.C.T. oil.

M.C.T. stands for Medium-Chain-Triglycerides. It sounds pretty scientific. It’s not.

It’s coconut oil, or medium-chain-triglycerides for the layperson.

So this Asprey guy, with a straight face, is telling you that drinking coffee (not healthy) and putting 1-2 tablespoons of butter in it (102 calories and 11.52 grams of fat per tablespoon, zero nutritional value) as well as a few tablespoons of coconut oil (M.C.T. oil), is going to produce miraculous health benefits.

Some things make sense at first, but then when you think about them, they don’t, like Reagan.

Some things are in the middle like Mellencamp, then there are things where the appropriate reaction is,

“What! are you fucking retarded?”

This is one of those things.

If you want to claim drinking coffee with butter in it is healthy, go tell the Jehova’s Witnesses they’ll probably believe you.

If indeed there are benefits to taking a few tablespoons of coconut oil, the question would beg itself, why not just take that on its own; and supplement your own butter and coffee regimine as needed?

There’s actually a reasonable explanation:

That would fuck up this guy Dave Asprey’s ability to sell you coffee with butter in it.

Did Asprey mention Tibet?

He’s been to Tibet people!

Why are you trying to ruin this?

He could have been the next Billy Mays.

He just wants to make a lot of money off of a useless and borderline detrimental product and you’re asking all these questions!

Obviously no legitimate medical professional would tout a product promising supernatural benefits which consists mainly of coffee and butter.

Dr. Oz got in trouble recently for hawking snake oil, including Green Coffee Extract, which were pills filled with the powder of raw coffee beans.

Oz claimed them to be a “Miracle Weight Loss Cure” and he is in the process of being removed from his medical board, as he should be.

Oz claims he never made any profits off the various supplements he shilled for, and I guess the Mormons might believe him, because they are prone to believing stupid shit.

Clearly, the coffee boat has sailed out to metaphor island and is dead in the water at this point, having become a stereotypically quackish symbol of professional transgression.

Dr. Drew is a huge believer in Bulletproof Coffee. 

Drew, who was once paid $275,000 by Glaxo-Smith-Klyne to promote anti-depressants during his speaking engagements for treatments not approved by the F.D.A., is fully on board with the butter coffee movement.

Drew mentions Bulletproof in casual passing on his podcasts and radio show on a regular basis, covertly embedding his compensated dialogue, never disclosing the obvious – that he’s a paid endorser – perhaps in fear of tipping off those in charge who have for reasons unknown yet to have suspended his medical license.

Yes, shockingly he’s a real doctor, who makes reality shows where cameras are shoved in the faces of people who were cast to withdraw from actual heroin, next to Gary Busey.

Then the pharmaceutical payouts.

But most meritless, this.

Can you fuckers get your acts together and serve him the papers ?

Seriously, I’ll tell you where he broadcasts from.

He’s hawking it on air

Look at the above photo.

That’s Dr. Drew with fucking Dave Asrey!

Providing a testimonial!

Now let’s hear about the medication I need Drew.

You’re a doctor right?

Seems my blood pressure’s a bit high.

I’ve been drinking coffee with butter in it.

Anything new out from Glaxo?

Seriously.

Fuck you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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