John Boehner Is A Denali Sized Loser

Boner

President Obama recently visited Alaska and to let everyone know he was arriving, he changed the name of its most notable landmark, formerly Mt. McKinley, to its traditional Athabascan name of Denali.

The State of Alaska had been on board with this since 1975, yet many right wing politicians remained opposed to renaming a mountain they’d never been to, named after a President who had never been there.

Most of those who pretended to care, in a nod to white colonialism aimed at bored white people, were from Ohio, as was President McKinley. McKinley was a Republican too, even though he believed almost the polar opposite of the Republican party’s current agenda.

They’re really into labels, if you haven’t noticed.

Denali was named Mt. McKinley by a gold prospector in 1896, and officially recognized as such by the United States in 1917. It’s possible that since Alaska wasn’t yet a state and nobody involved in renaming it had spoken with anyone who lived there, that they weren’t aware the Athabascans who had been inhabiting the area for roughly 10,000 years called it Denali.

The fact anyone in present day Ohio would passionately care about the name of a mountain located 3,800 miles away from them is telling. Telling that they are pandering disingenuous ass clowns.

Would people in Alaska care if the Ohio River had been re-named after Iditarod musher Susan Butcher for some reason and people in Ohio wanted to change it back?

Congressman Mike Turner of Ohio had his panties in a bunch, stating he was “Certain [Obama] didn’t notify President McKinley’s descendants, who find this outrageous.” Oh, sorry Dale McKinley of Canton, OH. Is this okay with you? Clearly you have a deep emotional attachment to this issue. No, Alaska isn’t part of Canada silly.

Again, did anyone check with the people who lived there before changing the name in the first place?

Rest assured, many people who actually live in the same state as the mountain, found that, to use your buffoonish puffery, outrageous. Don’t you have a pothole to fix?

On the list of grave injustices done to the descendants of U.S. Presidents this ranks last, right after suing them for their great grandpappy raping his slaves and not getting a free Chick ‘fil A at the Planned Parenthood protest.

None exemplified the completely false sentiment that Ohioans were crying at the feet of their Statuettes of Liberty like the spray tanned sanctimonious prophet of doom John Boehner:

“There is a reason President McKinley’s name has served atop the highest peak in North America for more than 100 years, and that is because it is a testament to his great legacy. McKinley served our country with distinction during the Civil War as a member of the Army. He made a difference for his constituents and his state as a member of the House of Representatives and as Governor of the great state of Ohio. And he led this nation to prosperity and victory in the Spanish-American War as the 25th President of the United States. I’m deeply disappointed in this decision.”

There’s also a reason the name was changed back, because none of that has a goddamn thing to do with Mt. Denali. If McKinley’s dead constituents or his current descendants feel the need to apply anglo names to glorious already named landmarks they couldn’t point out on a map, perhaps they should enlist the Mormons to resurrect their spirits and lobby Brazil to rename Cristo Redentor as Boehner Mountain. Maybe the Grand Canyon could be called Rick ‘The Wild Thing’ Vaughn Hole.

That probably wouldn’t go over too well.

In the meantime, if you want to name the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame or any of your crappy baseball parks after any number of dead presidents, feel free.

It’s Denali bitches.

Find something else to pretend to care about.

 

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Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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