Merry Christmas, Assholes. 2

It’s hard to gauge a sense of right and wrong in an increasingly partisan United States of America. Everyone seems to feel superior to some other group. It’s possible anyone who is deeply partisan is inherently wrong. Republicans are up front and slightly more bullish about their adherence to corporate welfare and class warfare. Democrats are more covert. It’s justified for each side of this divide to find the other irritating.

It’s an overfed overpriveleged under-educated Walmart culdesac voting base versus a self loathing chardonnay and Prius crowd. Look at both the Clintons’ records on Wall Street and get back to us with your talk about income equality.

It’s hard to comprehend that this nation’s founding fathers wrote that “All men are created equal” while simultaneously owning slave plantations, yet conventional wisdom is that they had some good ideas.

Maybe. Their monarchistic background influenced their perspective to the point of idealistic perversion. Maybe their legacy lingers. Say what you will, the strongest armies write history. Not surprisingly, the people in charge of this system are all endowed with the fact that God is on their side. This is a real advantage when justifying murder.

Americans simply accept the fact that we should spend trillions on defense, insuring we have plenty of weapons and will be mired in plenty of wars. It’s been going on for our entire history. Republicans seem to fancy it as a point of their identity, yet you rarely hear Democrats acknowledge that their party is complacent in colonizing and pillaging the world.

Everyone knows why the terrorists hate us whether or not they admit it. It’s not because of Madonna or football. Nobody cares about Madonna or football. They hate us because we went to that region of the world and overthrew various governments because of oil interests, killing a lot of people in the process. We now import roughly 15 percent of our oil from the Middle East, and they have a solid reserve which we have our eyes on. On the negative side, a lot of people are pissed off, and Americans are pissed too.

How dare these people blow some shit up after we blow them up. Their bombs aren’t even sophisticated. A suicide vest is such a primitive device. We’ve got our fancy drones. Isn’t that the ultimate expression of materialism. Bomb Superiority is arguably the most American sentiment possible right now.

At the same time, Woodrew Wilson was a slave owner. Should his name come down from Yale’s library? Probably. Yet that’s a slippery slope.

Are you wearing diamonds? Slave trade. Boots from Marc Jacobs? Child labor. Are you purchasing these items at a retail establishment? You’re a capitalist. Do you drive a car? You’re exacerbating the problem. Check out where the lithium in your iPhone is mined while you’re posting your retarded political opinions from it.

This complacency might be considered a serious ethical breech when looked at from a broader perspective. If your name went up on a building, might someone be protesting fifty years from now, you Yale Capitalist crusading scum?

There are plenty of people who could look at your life and feel superior to you on moral grounds. Namely those pretentious homeless dudes with minimal carbon footprints who leech off their friends and espouse the value of simple living. We all know they’d trade places with the evil hedge fund guy in a minute. It’s human nature.

It’s possible that in a future world, looking back, you may be considered a component in the most oppressive outreaching colonial movement in recorded history. The US has bases in Europe, the Middle East, and all the way through the South and Central America because we’ve conquered governments across the globe. None of that is your fault, it’s just the world you were born into. Kind of like Wilson and those Republican trophy hunters.

Each of our political parties is full of overprivileged people with zero perspective on the outside world. This lifestyle is, in part, based on the oppression of other groups of people. The current American level of consumption wouldn’t be otherwise sustainable at this very point in time. Their are certainly disadvantaged groups of people in the US, yet even our worst are better off than your average person in this world.

So why be so partisan when your great grandchildren might think you’re a cog in a tyrannical system anyway.

I’m not saying this is going to happen, but it’s worth thinking about.

What if you’re a devout evangelical Christian and spend all of your free time feeding the homeless yet you’re homophobic and call people “faggot?” Should that negate all your hard work? That’s a hypothetical question. Christians in America never feed the homeless. If they do it’s once and they post it on Facebook.

Walking over homeless people is considered normal in American cities. Normal in some parts of the world is your brother or sister dying because they don’t have any water. Those kids wouldn’t even comprehend your political squabbling or your professional wrestling/telenovela candidates and their coddling of your psyches.

Not to equate your average Walmart shopper with a slave owner. Although clothing there may be made under slave like conditions, and if you shop there you’re encouraging it, so why not.

Here’s what your average Democrat’s life is like in America: I have a car, I have a job, I hate it. Please like me.

Here’s what your average Republican’s life is like in America: I have a car, I have a job, I hate it. Fuck you.

Here’s what life is like for your average person in Syria: The power goes in and out. You can’t really go outside very often.

Do you think they know the difference between your two closely aligned political parties? This is all self obsession, nothing less. Each side needs the other to balance it out exactly to exactly where they have it – a bunch of dumbasses arguing over trivial shit while they’re robbed blind.

According to UNICEF, 22,000 children die each day due to poverty. The amount of money the US spends on weapons could feed, clothe, and educate all of those children, every day, forever.

If you want to vote Democrat and act superior, your perspective is selectively narrowed. Your party is on board with the plan. That’s something you’ll have to deal with.

Driving a Prius vs a Dodge Ram is pretty much the exact same thing. It’s not going to make a difference either way. Like two squabbling siblings, the more they fight the more you realize they’re the same.

Republicans seem to be obsessed with Jesus, yet Jesus would despise both Republicans and Democrats. He’d have loathed you for not letting homeless people sleep in your garage. He was also a poor guy who was outcast from just about every society and then murdered, more than likely because he was annoying and insisted on bringing up points like this.

That doesn’t mean the most oppressed culture is the most noble. A lot of it has to do with land positioning. England was an island which had a strategic advantage in defending itself, and also a Christian nation which led to a sense of entitlement and therefore barbarism. That’s a quick partial history of America. You wouldn’t have the street outside your house without some exploited labor, so don’t complain about the potholes. You got dropped into this bucket. Think about what’s outside.

What I’m saying is, unless you’re way out on the fringe, your similarities are greater than your differences. Don’t be so quick to act superior to other people because as far as most of the world is concerned you’re all a bunch of assholes anyway, regardless of how liberal or conservative you fancy yourself.

Your sense of normalcy has been shaped by outside forces. Stop ramming your heads against the wall and insulating yourself with your conformation biases in the form of what you read and watch on the news.

Have some outside perspective. You’re not a hero. Looking back, you’ll probably be considered a petty asshole with your leather couch and lawn. So stop acting so fucking high and mighty.


Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

2 thoughts on “Merry Christmas, Assholes.

  1. Reply Garrett Dec 23,2015 11:53 pm

    Excellent, thought provoking points as usual.

    However, you quite simplify why terrorists hate us, and fail to acknowledge that a HUGE reason is our support of Israel. Also, to say “Christians in America never feed the homeless” is simply ignorant. There are at least several churches that operate regular soup kitchens in every major city in the country, along with many other poverty outreach initiatives. This isn’t to say many christians aren’t despicable hypocrites, but many of them do walk the walk.

    • Reply Matt Ralston Dec 24,2015 1:21 am

      True. And yeah as Israel is occupying land which no other country recognizes as rightfully theirs and their human rights record remains among the worst in the world, unequivocal US support definitely pisses off a lot of people. Good points, thanks for reading.

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