NYPD Protest Yields Good Results


The NYPD are protesting the Mayor’s decision not to let them assault peaceful protestors by not doing what they are paid to do, and still getting paid because they don’t understand their jobs. I make a distinction between the phrase “Doing what they are paid to do” and “Doing their jobs” because their jobs don’t pay them to do what they are supposed to do.

The NYPD’s official motto is: Courtesy. Professionalism. Respect. 

Through their protests, now pouting, and habitual hassling and killing of people, they haven’t quite been living up to this.

“Let me do you this courtesy of trampling your civil rights and frisking your pockets on the street because you’re black. Then maybe I’ll choke you to death later.” 

The numbers are stunning since the NYPD decided they aren’t going to do what they’re paid to do, compared with the numbers from the same period last year:

“Officers made half as many arrests in the seven days through Sunday as in the same week a year ago. In the entire city, 347 criminal summonses were written, down from 4,077 a year ago, according to police statistics. Parking and traffic tickets also dropped by more than 90 percent.”

So the NYPD have issued nearly 12 times fewer fines to citizens in the past two weeks. And ninety percent less traffic tickets. I called a few of my friends who live in New York City – EVERYTHING IS THE SAME!


Crime hasn’t increased. But revenue is down. Cool. I think you guys proved my point. You don’t stop crime. You generate revenue by oppressing the citizens of your City.

Edward Mullins, head of the Sergeants Benevolent Union, has taken upon himself the precarious task of admitting his officers are just driving around town with their thumbs up their asses, yet still insists they are taking care of everything actually important:

“All of the 911 calls are being responded to.”

Interesting. So that would suggest your officers are responding to all calls for their presence, yet aren’t initiating much?



Their protesting just means they’re finally all be it accidentally doing their jobs, and they’re actually creating less crime.

This jibes against Police Commissioner William Bratton’s Broken Windows theory, which holds that aggressively enforcing minor crimes such as graffiti will in turn quell more serious crime.

In practice it means Bratton and his goons lock a bunch of fuckers up.

The Times projects that since these officers stopped doing anything except what they are supposed to do the City has lost about $21 million.

And people are worried. This seems to prove that whole Prison Industrial Complex theory completely true. Why aren’t we celebrating?


So, here’s the solution: Eighty percent of what you do has stopped happening and everything is the same from a public safety standpoint. It follows that the City should fire eighty percent of the NYPD. Let’s start with the ones who aren’t doing what they’re paid to do, then have the remaining start doing their jobs.

The only worry we’ll have is the cops who got fired will start committing various crimes to prove to us we need them.

Not buying it. The writing is on the wall. And I don’t mean that NYPD tagged graffiti.

Most revolutions start by accident.


Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

Leave a Reply