Obama Finally Making Waves


Dear Barack Obama:

I’m glad you have finally grown some balls seven years into your presidency. Better late than never.

This has come in the face of a Republican opposition whose stated strategy is to not allow you to do anything so they can complain about you not doing anything. It’s a massive failure of their job description and probably boarders on treason but whatever Roll Tide.

In past few years you have spoken out in support of gay marriage. This angers Republicans because they are bigots. You have repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, which further angers them because they never Tell. You have drastically reduced the budget deficit, which upsets conservatives because they aren’t conservative. You appointed two non-psychopaths to the Supreme Court where they sit in the minority. You gave healthcare to a bunch of people, which really got to them and they don’t know why but it’s clear they’d rather see a small African village starve than get a Physical. You made stem cell research possible which jeopardized their love of the cancer. You’ve proposed minimum wage increases and the poor ones especially hate this idea. I heard they’ve been calling you bad words from behind the counter at Chipotle.

I don’t think you’ve gone far enough. They don’t respect you, so why show them any respect back? End this thing with a mic drop. I want to see you Executive Order the shit out this country. Raise the minimum wage to $87 bucks an hour. Send stem cells out in the mail like they’re laundry detergent samples and include name of the baby they came from. Release the bearded guys from Guantanamo and film a video of them frolicking in a wheat field. Mandate everyone gets gay married regardless of sexual orientation. Include Brazilian Waxes under medical procedures covered under the Affordable Care Act. Purchase an hour of programming on Fox and spend it drinking cheap champagne with Derrick Rose in the Oval Office while staring into the camera and laughing over a Biggy Smalls soundtrack.

Fight fire with fire. Trust me, they’d do the same thing. Even though these past seven years have been a pretty solid disappointment, that’s not to say you can’t go bananas in 2015. So what if the country had to suffer so you could get reelected. We needed health care and you needed your name on a library. Nobody respects a one term president. Just one who was bad for a term and a half. Don’t look back now but you’re finally doing what you talked about in those really cool speeches.

Thanks for reading this Barack. Keep your head up.




Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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