Short, White, and to the Point

Jeff Flake.

Chris Coons.

Jim Risch.

Mark Kirk.

Dan Coats.

Rand Paul.

Roy Blunt.

Jack Reed.

Tim Scott.

John Thune.

Ted Cruz.

Mike Lee.

Tim Kaine.

Who are these people?

Retired first basemen or former Rolling Stones bassists?


Answer: They’re all United States Senators.

For those of you who don’t know, the U.S. Senate has 9,000 members, and they have jurisdictions at every Postal Office. They have elections every five months and the Majority Whip gets their face put on a maple syrup bottle if their party succeeds at theĀ Sequester Battle which is held every other quarterly election.

Just kidding, there are 100 Senators.

That means that California, for example, has two Senators.

Also, North Dakota has two Senators.

So basically, if you live in California, some dude from Fargo State could be allocating some of the tax money that your father paid when he bought you a G-6 from laundered Iranian (pronounced Persian) drug money so that North Dakota can get new stuffed deer in their airports.

Don’t seem right to me.

Here’s my point:

There are no statistics on this, but I find it a bit odd that, of the 100 U.S. Senators, thirteen of them have a 1 syllable first name, and a 1 syllable surname.

Chris Coons.


Sounds like someone just popped off a couple rounds at a barbeque right?

I know a lot of people, and very few of them have so few syllables in their names.

Here’s my theory:

Very short names are easiest to remember, and fit best on yard signs.

To dig deeper, most people know that Senators are career politicians who don’t care about anything except getting reelected.

And how do most of them get reelected?

It varies from party to party.

Republican candidates usually hate faggots and are faggots, and Democratic candidates don’t hate or love anything; but the overwhelming campaign message, distilled to its core seems to be this:

I believe in what I believe. I’m a simple person, and I have very basic values.

How else to better convey your steadfast and principled nature than having a name as simplistic as your beliefs?

Jeff Flake!

It sounds like the only two synapses that fire when he considers a complex issue.

I can count on one hand the people I know who have similar names, and I don’t think it is thirteen percent.

Many of these names sound phony when you really say them, and that’s because they are.


Matt Ralston.


Matt Ratt.



Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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