State Of The Union 1

The date is May 4, 2017. The president of the United States is a shitty reality show host with a poor vocabulary. He’s not a self made man, yet is incapable of realizing everyone’s dad didn’t give them ten million dollars. His wife is a Soviet Bloc prostitute. She lives in a building sporting his own name. She cannot stand to be around him, hence they don’t live in the same house.

In 2008 despite large scale rigging efforts America elected a half black guy as President. This really pissed off a bunch of fat ass breakfast burger eating philistines in the flyover states. The Republican Party, funded mostly by war mongers and billionaire trust fund heirs who don’t want their inherited businesses taxed, seized on this opportunity to roundly oppose a healthcare bill which was better than the current system that was in place.

It could have been quite a bit better than it was, but these same people purposefully weakened and then talked shit about how bad it was for eight years.

While they were talking this shit, they in fact had no plan on how to improve it. It turns out they don’t really care about people going to a doctor. These people have never had an issue with that. Take the president’s wife’s fake tits for example. She went to a doctor for those, they were paid for in cash, or more likely credit.

They were using people who watched a certain news feed. These people were looking to blame others because their trailers smelled like shitty diapers.

They chose to blame the bus boy at their favorite casual diner, yet they were polite to his face, because they had an inherent understanding of how deplorable they actually were.

They were ashamed.

So they decided they were cool with the gays to make themselves feel ok and the people who supplied them their information just dropped it suddenly, even though they had pretended it was really important for the past 20 years or so. These people purported to be big on independence, yet in the recent future criminally prosecuted people for fucking people of their same sex, the irony lost on them, or perhaps not, that these violations of civil liberties were the rationale for invading a few other countries.

The patriarch of the family carried a little less weight on his shoulders while bottoming in the church basement. He could talk about the war now.

While the darker skinned president was in office he continued a program of remote controlled robotic bombings which were instituted under the previous president, and were purported to eradicate a tribal militia which sprung up in direct response to said bombings.

There was a thing called the stock market, and the more bombs were made, the more was profited by guys in ill fitting suits.

Those in charge of deploying these bombs did not recuse themselves due to their own financial interest, in fact it was quite the opposite.

The darker skinned president killed several hundred thousand innocent people with his bombs, including a few wedding parties.

This did not make the news, as it turns out the news was being traded on the very same stock market where they trade bombs.

The winky arian president then said that people from certain countries who don’t share directly in the profits of said bombings had to jump through a few hoops to enter the country he was presiding over and people lost their shit.

Apparently the muslims who lived in that country didn’t mind that hundreds of thousands of their distant relatives were being slaughtered not too transparently in the name of money, but getting held up at the airport with a full bar was the last straw.

People marched.

As all of this was happening other wars were being started right under people’s noses, and people watched a show on their screens where people did dance routines.


Human beings are programmed to compete against each other, for food and for genes.

The world can be broken down into countries that colonized, and countries that were colonized.

At the end of the day we all just want to fill our bellies and not think about it, and the species remains pretty nasty.

In the richest country on earth, you can’t even leave a bicycle unattended without putting a lock on it, otherwise, someone will steal it.

People in India who were born with lighter skin look down on those who happen to have more pigment. The same goes in every country in South America, where most of the Nazis hid.

Their kids now attend Coachella.

The Jewish people had a horrific genocide executed against them at the hands of frustrated white people, the same people who’s trailers now smell of shitty diapers.

They responded by occupying another country, by persecuting people who were different than them.

We’re creating wars.

Young women wearing glasses direct their attention towards ethnicity in regards to studio film castings over a platform which can provide any information you’d like within a split second.

They do not mention the wars.

It will go on.


Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

One comment on “State Of The Union

  1. Reply Walt May 19,2017 7:54 pm

    JC dude, thats dark.

Leave a Reply