How To Tell If You’re An Idiot (Donald Trump)

It has recently come to light, through interviews with people who work or have worked closely with Donald Trump, that they all consider him to be, as Rupert Murdoch put it, “a fucking idiot.” Excerpts of the book Fire and Fury by Michael Wolff have already been published in New York Magazine, and the book will be published on January 5th.

One can tell by briefly observing Trump that he is a total moron. His former deputy chief of staff Katie Walsh told Wolff that dealing with Trump is like “like trying to figure out what a child wants.”

Indeed, Trump behaves like a petulant toddler, often throwing tantrums on TV or on Twitter. The thing about children is, despite what your earthy horse-whispering turquoise wearing fifty year old occasional house sitter says, they aren’t smarter than adults. They’re real dumb. They can’t even do basic math.

If you really think children are so smart, have an eight year old do your taxes. They’ll probably get flustered right away, declare the tax forms to be “stupid”, tear them up, and demand that you fetch them some McDonald’s.

So, exactly what Trump would do.

Children also have tremendous egos and are very self-centered. It’s tough to impart the concept of sharing onto them. Often times they will behave like total assholes and when you confront them about it declare that they don’t care and then verbally attack you (which is harmless and kind of funny in a pathetic way because their insults are terrible due to their limited vocabulary and ability to form complex thoughts.)

Watching them blindly cling to their own pride when they lie about breaking a vase or get mad and start punching a puzzle when they can’t solve it is also entertaining when you have to babysit for two hours and not deal with their constant bullshit the rest of the day.

I used to volunteer my time at the Special Olympics because I care deeply about my community and it was court ordered.

“He didn’t read. He didn’t really even skim. Some believed that for all practical purposes he was no more than semi-­literate.”

– Wolff on Donald Trump

While Down syndrome people are usually incredibly sweet, sometimes you’ll get one who thinks he is some kind of rock star and acts like a total prick and dawns sunglasses and a leather jacket to run the fifty meters with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.

In fact a friend of mine told me that he was on a flight with Chris Burke, who played Corky on the indelibly trippy TV series Life Goes On, and Burke, who has Down syndrome both on the show and in real life, started throwing a fit and berating the flight attendants because they didn’t have chamomile tea.

Due to his limited mental capacity it was difficult to discern whether or not he was actually upset about the tea or if he was projecting about something else or if he had simply observed someone else acting like a jerk and assumed this was how he was supposed to act in order to get things, kind of like how a dog learns new tricks.

There are a lot of variations of the egotistical idiot. The 20 year old chick who blew John Mayer in a Porta Potty at Coachella and now believes she can be a cunt to the waiter. The backwards cap guy who only does biceps and genuinely believes he is cooler than you because his truck has big tires. Perry from Windy City Heat. These are all tragic characters.

The paradox is that the dumber someone is the less they have the capacity for self-awareness and so it’s harder to blame them for their behavior. You can’t really be mad at your puppy because he continues to piss on the carpet.

Yet, there’s a sliding scale and if you are a guy like Donald Trump who is below average intelligence yet not officially retarded, you have the capacity to recognize how dumb you are, humble yourself, and adjust your behavior accordingly.

If you answer Yes to any of these questions you may want to start shutting the fuck up more often and letting the smart people talk. If you’re the head of a company, or a country, you may want to resign so that you can rejigger yourself to be less of a burden to the world at large.

1. Do you have strong opinions about topics you have not in any way researched?

2. Do you think of people other than yourself when making decisions?

3. When having a conversation do you say something and then when the other person starts talking you zone out and only see their lips moving and then proceed to escalate the conversation into an argument? Do you “stick to your guns”, or have a lot of “faith” that you’re correct? That means you are stubborn and wrong.

4. Do you ascertain your world view from YouTube videos (such as Loose Change) or Fox News or CNN?

5. Are you jealous of babies because they get a lot of positive attention?

6. Have you ever used the phrase “Yeah but still.”

7. Are you enamored by gaudy aesthetic displays such as shiny jewelry?

8. Would you garner a sense of superiority from putting your name in giant letters on a building which was built by a company you inherited from your father?

9. Do you “bejewel” your cellphone?

10. Do you draw on your eyebrows, have face tattoos, comb over your balding hair in a bizarre manner, keep the tags on a baseball hat you just bought, pierce your genitals, or otherwise do things which you believe make you look cool but 99.9 percent of the population thinks makes you look like a fucking moron?

11. Do you anthropomorphize your dog? (This means you believe your dog is a tiny human who understands what you are talking about and that you assign emotions to your dog’s happenstance facial expressions.)

12. Are you a Bigger is Better type of person? Do you seek out restaurants such as Claim Jumper because they have enormous portion sizes? Do you think military tanks are cool? Would you rather date a woman who has size 44 EEEE fake tits instead of a nice C-cup? Do you brag about the size of the state you live in? Have you ever mentioned your SAT scores past the age of 18?

13. Are you adverse to trying new things or listening to new ideas? (Do you love McDonald’s because it is a consistently shitty product? Do you call people liars when they say something you don’t like? Do you believe strongly in censorship in the form of telling the teacher on someone or boycotting lectures you don’t agree with?)

14. Do you take excessive pride in accomplishments you have nothing to do with? Do you think you are awesome because your wealthy Armenian parents bought you a Lamborghini? Do you celebrate your birthday as if it is really important and believe that other people care about it? Have you ever cried after watching a football game that you did not bet a lot of money on or have a close friend or family member playing in? Have you ever called a fan of the opposing team a loser if the team you are a fan of beat them? Do you think “you” fought in a war that you didn’t?

15. Do you think you are really smart?

16. Does your home contain a portrait, or self-portrait of yourself?

17. When you misplace something, such as your new pair of compression shorts, is your first thought that it was stolen by the cleaning lady?

18. When you are driving in traffic, and someone needs to get over to change lanes, do you purposefully not allow them to do this just because? Do you use your horn in a traffic jam?

19. Do you often invoke your middle name or attach a prefix or suffix to your name, such as “Sir” or “Esquire.” Do you demand people refer to you as Doctor because you have a degree in dendrology?

20. Have you ever watched a movie which was adapted from a book and told everyone that “the book was better than the movie” even though you never read the book?