Top Ten Pickup Lines For 2018

If you are a dude and work in an office environment or any position where you have coworkers you are totally hating your life right now because you’re about one eyebrow raise away from being fired for sexual harassment.

Your company doesn’t care whether or not your explanation is valid. An accusation from the intern who has been gently warned about her inappropriate attire is good enough. You’re easily replaceable. They can find some other asshole to wear your stupid tie. It’s not worth the liability and you should have upped your Secret Santa game.

Along those lines, if you’ve worked your entire life to put yourself into a “position of power”, that is now a problem for you. You probably make a great salary and understand the value of money.

Here is a hypothetical question: Someone in your office says to you, on a regular basis, “Hey Greg, your ass looks really great in that suit”, and it makes you slightly uncomfortable. How much money would you feel would adequately compensate you for this trauma? Would it be like thirty bucks or ten million dollars?

Here is another question: Would you be really psyched if you got paid ten million dollars for your entire office to talk about your ass on a regular basis?

I’d say about thirty percent of these sexual harassment allegations are opportunistic, with the remaining being totally legitimate. That’s still a big number. If you happen to have worked your way up the ladder you’ve got a huge target on your back.

Even if you’re just a normal dude, some chick can decide to ruin your life if you fail to return her text.

Jealous people behave vindictively all the time.

Men and women are equal, but not the same.

Men get into road rage incidents and pull a gun on some guy on the highway more often.

Women conspire to bring someone down from behind the scenes more often.

When pandering jagaloons and cuckolds publicly proclaim that “Women are smarter than men”, what they are actually trying to articulate in their beaten down way is that women are more calculating than men and tend to ruminate on a certain slight and then poison someone’s Sprite whereas men are more likely to hang out in a park and make lampshades out of people’s skin.

Regardless, if you have a traditional job you’re now under a microscope. Also if you attend a college you’re pretty much at the mercy of one crazy chick. There’s no due process. God forbid you have made a lot of money. People want some of it.

There are probably a lot of guys sweating right now because they have skeletons in their closet, but there are probably a third as many sweating because their secretary who is constantly having to cut out early to pick up her son overheard them talking about their trip to Tijuana at the Christmas party eight years ago.

If you have any amount of testosterone running through your veins I would suggest lawyering up immediately and traveling with a court appointed stenographer.

Unfortunately you’re probably still going to attempt to bed women, so if you choose to proceed I have developed a list of pickup lines which should protect you from a lawsuit.

You should probably also certify yourself as bonded:

1. Hi, do you consent to me talking to you right now because I in no way have any interest in having sex with you. Did you happen to catch the Serena Williams match?

2. I couldn’t help but notice that your thonged unitard is incredibly empowering to women in the Middle East whom your stepdad was granted a government contract to carpet bomb. Do you have any theories on JonBenet Ramsay?

3. Hey, so I’m cisgendered but can we talk or are you some dude I had beef with in high school?

4. Can I buy you a drink or maybe a handbag or the latest Samsung Galaxy? (This still usually works.)

5. I would just like you to know that Good Will Hunting is no longer in my top ten.

6. Do you hate Trump and also the Republican Governor of California who is against abortion? Yeah, Verne Troyer is such a terrible Governor. Sign my petition to unseat Verne Troyer.

5. So I am pro sex worker. Wait, I didn’t mean it like that.

6. I acknowledge I would be privileged to see your vagina.

7. Hi, I saw you from across the bar and I think you could definitely beat me at bowling.

8. Is that a Taylor Swift album in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

9. My Chippewa name is Merrill Streep.

10. What’s your sign? No, not your astrological sign, that I’m With Her sign you’re holding.

11. Want to Free the Nipple later?

12. You’re going to mark yourself safe after this fire.