Are Republicans Taking Advantage of Insane Liberals?


I hate to admit it, but sometimes conservatives are right. I don’t confound the term conservative with Republican, because actual conservatives don’t lobby against gay marriage or condone the NSA’s spying or prop up banks that are too big to fail because they are too busy skinning a deer to care about the stupid PC terminology they taught you in your 102 gender studies class and also they don’t have stake in Raytheon which serves chicken fried steaks to our heroes overseas at 85 bucks a pop if you don’t follow the stocks,

God Bless the Raytheon contractors and their Republican allies in congress. The Pakistani poppy farmers really had it coming with their different hats.

True conservatives don’t vote Republican, as in they’re not supporting Rupert Murdoch’s tax breaks from a Honey Bucket disguised as a voting booth after they waited in line for 18 hours in the blistering Florida sun and endured a rectal scan to verify the VIP list Monsanto sent to the poll workers on the iCloud.

Republicans didn’t want medical marijuana legalized because pharmaceutical drugs are traded on the NYSE.

Conservatives don’t care if you smoke enough pot to enjoy the news that Republicans fund.

Republicans are super preoccupied with guys blowing each other while they throw up a picket sign in the men’s room at Charlotte International with their pants down.

Conservatives have a bush plane.

It’s different.

So when medical marijuana was legalized, conservatives were all like ‘I’m too busy enjoying my life to give a shit if you want to watch Netflix marathons, and please excuse me while I have amazing sex with my partner and their untrimmed pubic hair.’

Republicans were up in arms.

Some of their stupid talking points included the fact that if drugs were legalized everyone would be on drugs all the time and society would suffer the consequences.

I hate to admit it, but that’s actually true.

Have you been to California recently? Your waiter is medicated to the point they take your order and then just stare at their POS screen and then come back and awkwardly ask what you ordered again. Every time.

My dining experience is suffering.

But I don’t really care.

I don’t sense that people being stoned is the root of their concern.

Republicans, fed their talking points, say that if gay people were allowed to get married, then eventually people would be able to marry a sheep.

My thoughts were, marry a sheep, what do I care, and why are you so bad at fucking your wife?

They claimed that if people were to be accepted after changing genders that it would lead to a blurring of lines across any demographic. What would stop a white person from identifying as black like Rachel Dolezal? Or someone from identifying as a big horn sheep or Aragon from Lord of the Rings?

Nothing actually. It turns out they were right.

Wear your armor to bed bro.

I don’t care.

Republicans say that Affirmative Action is discriminatory, in my opinion because they’re inherently racist. Given the Democratic party espouses the exact policies across the board, minus the LGBT hatred, I’m going to claim that any Republican not aware of their economic bracket has just been tricked into demonizing non whites.

I’ve been to the barbecues.

So I’m looking at the flattering Caitlyn Jenner coverage in the mass media. ESPN, owned by Disney and part of the largest media conglomerate in the world, decided to give Jenner the Arthur Ashe Courage Award, which nobody who doesn’t work for that corporation cares about.

Certainly not conservatives. They’re too busy scaling boulders with E.B. Cooper’s daggers tucked into their baby seal socks.

Jenner is a Republican. You haven’t heard much on CNN about the inherent contradictions of a media constructed pioneer in the field of transexualism being a member of a party which openly advocates against the very right for those people to be recognized.

That’s because Republicans have a vested interest in breaking down any anti-trust laws that exist as far as corporate conglomeration goes.

Anderson Cooper’s family are experts in this field. God bless the Vanderbilts.

So, what are we left with?

A white woman claiming she’s black. A Republican dude calling himself a woman.

So check whatever box you want on your college application.

Have a white chick represent the NAACP.

It says here you identify as Seminole.

Aren’t you Rick Perry’s kid?

This is exactly what they want.


Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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