Trump’s Love of McDonald’s Says It All

“He had a longtime fear of being poisoned, one reason why he liked to eat at McDonald’s — nobody knew he was coming and the food was safely pre-made.”

– Reporter Michael Wolff on Trump’s rationale for routinely eating McDonald’s

There are many avenues to illustrate that Trump is an insecure dumb fuck and pathological liar. His routine consumption of McDonald’s might be the perfect microcosm of this.

Based on Wolff’s reporting, Trump’s theory is (from what I gather) that it would be difficult to poison his McDonald’s because there are many different locations within a given city square mile, and that, since the food is not prepared cooked-to-order, this would lessen his odds of someone poisoning his specific order.

I would submit it would be just as easy, if not easier, to slip some cyanide into a Big Mac that has been sitting around for five minutes, if that was your goal, as it would any entree at any superior eatery, but I digress. To further digress, the notion that a secret agent would embed himself as a chef and then patiently wait for Trump to come into his restaurant, be tipped off by the waiter which order is Trump’s, and then poison his dish, is laughable.

To further the absurdity of this, the only people who poison political enemies are the KGB, who are Trump’s business partners. The CIA kills people all the time, but not in the manner of Dr Evil, that’s corny.

Let’s say Trump is legitimately concerned about being poisoned (until he became President this would be a laughable notion and sure sign of schizophrenia, many people worth far more money than Trump order their own meals at restaurants on a regular basis.)

Flying in the face of his own implausible theory would be Donald Trump himself, who used to eat lunch at the 21 Club almost every day, sitting at the same table, and ordering the same thing. This would have made it really easy to poison him, based on his own criteria.

It appears this whole fear of being poisoned thing is just a ridiculous way for Trump to justify to other people his affinity for McDonald’s, like how some undercover cop insists he has to hang out at strip clubs to “not blow his cover.”

In a 2016 interview, Trump explained to Anderson Cooper why he likes McDonald’s so much:

“One bad hamburger, you can destroy McDonald’s. I’m a very clean person. I like cleanliness, and I think you’re better off going there than maybe someplace that you have no idea where the food’s coming from. It’s a certain standard.”

There’s a lot to unpack there. 1) All McDonald’s hamburgers are bad. 2) Trump is not a clean person. His wife is a Slovenian prostitute and he had sex with Stormy Daniels. 3) You do have an idea where the food is coming from. A Cowschwitz somewhere. The one thing you don’t want to think about when you are eating McDonald’s is where the food comes from. If you actually think about this while eating it, you are psychotic. 4) It is a certain standard. A standard of shit. The fact Trump admires this says something about his personality and administration.

I can lend some credence to the consistency theory. Let’s say you’re in a strange town and there’s a Red Robbin next to a family owned 50’s themed luncheonette. Even though I know it’s a six and a half, I’m going with Red Robbin, because I know what I’m getting, and while it may not be great, it will not be terrible.

But, based on this theory, Trump’s judgement is absolute dogshit. He has lives in Washington DC. In the DC metro area there are 24 Sweetgreen locations. This is a chain of salad places that make artisanal salads using fresh local ingredients. They are delicious and won’t make your ass look like a Costco throw pillow. There are also over thirty Five Guys locations.

If you have a choice between Five Guys, a quality burger establishment similar to McDonald’s only exponentially better, and you choose McDonald’s based on taste alone, you are a fucking moron. There’s just no other way to put it.

Nobody wants to eat at McDonald’s. They do it for a variety of reasons, convenience, price, low self-esteem, etc. But if you walked into a McDonald’s and gave any of the loitering newspaper reading hobos in there a billion dollars, they would never return. They would start going to Five Guys.

It’s all the more ironic that Trump fancies himself an erudite sophisticate, a member of the intelligentsia, and still eats McDonald’s. How did this even come about in the first place? Trump is the son of one the richest people in America at the time, an aristocrat. He grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth, and I seriously doubt this was part of his pampered youth. 

Let’s digress briefly and consider how weird it is that Trump even eats McDonald’s more than once a year as some sort of sentimental tribute to his youth.

He has access to a private world class gourmet chef who works at the White House. Her name is Cristeta Comerford. Instead of ordering a Big Mac, he could tell this chef to make him a triple stacked burger with thousand island sauce, shredded lettuce, non-processed cheese, pickles and fresh onions on a bun which isn’t dry as fuck. Instead of the rubbery downed-cow beef used by McDonald’s, Trump could tell Comerford to prepare it with grass-fed Prime beef, or Kobe beef, or whatever. He could eat a petite Châteaubriand for lunch every day if he wanted to. He could have her make this all of the time. Consistently.

But he doesn’t. He gets McDonald’s. According to Trump’s former campaign manager, Cory Lewandowski, a typical dinner order included “Two Big Macs, two Fillet-O-Fish and a chocolate shake.”

I had read this several times and was a bit perplexed. That seems like an inordinate amount of food. Upon going over it again I discovered this tidbit in which Lewandowski clarified:

“Well, he never ate the bread, which is the important part.”

If Trump or anyone else for that matter wants to occasionally eat McDonald’s I reserve no judgement. But to discard the buns? Why not just eat is half as often, and eat it correctly? This is the behavior of a sick man.

You must now imagine the President of the United States removing the buns from two Big Macs and dumping the remaining contents onto a plate, or wrapper. A big stewy mess of thousand island dressing, four thin beef patties, lettuce, pickles and onions, and hacking away at it with a fork.

You must further imagine the President of the United States taking the buns off of Fillet-O-Fish sandwiches, leaving only a sad little fish stick, and then scraping off the amalgamation of cheese and tartar sauce which has adhered to the bun, and then smearing this concoction onto the stale fish patties, and then consuming all of this with his greasy lips.

The dinner of a dumpster diving derelict, with a team of chefs in the same building.

All of this goes to show that 1) Trump is insane. 2) Trump is stupid and thinks he is smart and is a liar (based on his excuses for why he eats McDonald’s). 3) Trump makes horrible decisions. 4) Trump is an unclean and unsavory individual. 5) Trump is unfit to be President.