Why Mitt Romney Should be the New Pope 7

The Catholic Church has found itself facing a major scandal. Pope Benedict XVI, whose name in the real-life adult world is Joseph Ratzinger, had a bunch of documents stolen from him last May by his butler. The papers, known as the Vatileaks files, allege that there is a huge group of gay priests in the Vatican who bang each other in saunas and other secret meeting places. This should hardly comes as a surprise to anyone who is familiar with a priest’s life path.

After hearing of these leaked documents, some higher-ups at the Vatican commissioned an internal study, which they gave to the Pope, at which point he read it and said “Whoa, I’m out of here.” He has stated that nobody will see the report except for the next Pope and that it will never become public.

What the Catholic Church needs here is a change of pace. It needs someone who isn’t Catholic. The Catholic thing isn’t working out. Too pervy. The Church will be fine, it just needs someone who can toe the line. Someone who wants to lead something really badly but has no agenda whatsoever. It needs Mitt Romney. Here are the reasons why:

First of all, the church needs someone who is able to get laid, but isn’t really preoccupied with it. Sort of a robot which is able to fuck as one of its functions, like how you would change the oil on a car. This will keep the new Pope sane. Mitt Romney has probably fucked twelve times in his life, but that’s good enough. His ability to see a vagina in person will encourage non-perverts to join the clergy.

Mitt Romney is a religious fanatic who would have no problem adapting his psychotic devotion to silly stories about magic underwear to a new set of stories about people rising from the dead. It might actually be a step-up for him as far as his reading life goes. Romney will simply start repeating these stories, telling anyone whatever they want to hear, which is the job of the Pope and the Republican nominee.

Third, Mitt Romney has experience leading a large multi-national corporation. Although he has never worked for a corporation on such a large scale as the Catholic Church, I believe that Romney can do the job. Long a proponent of tax breaks for the wealthy, while at the Church, Romney will enjoy a cushy zero point zero percent tax level on all revenue that the Church brings in – which is in the high nine figures per year. Mitt Romney knows how to manage a corporation that fucks over its clients from his time at Bain Capital. His company’s job was to take over desperate entities, preying on their worst fears of failing, and convince them to buy into his strategy while bleeding them dry and making them dependent. Sound familiar?

Also, Mitt Romney will feel right at home with a giant mansion, a butler, and a chauffeur. He is also in excellent health since he has never drank, smoked, had coffee or done anything else with his life, he could easily lead the Church on a straight path for the next 80 years so that we won’t have to go through this again for a long time.


Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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