Chris Brown Sucks 2

Being a heterosexual male who is able to formulate his own opinions, I’ve known for a long time that Chris Brown sucks. I mean, its obvious that he sucks as a person, but I’m pretty sure he just sucks at everything. A good way to tell if an artists sucks is to actually watch what they do and try to figure out exactly why you need to know who they are.

Take as a template for this Tommy Lee. Most people know Tommy Lee as a super douched out guy with Hep C who was featured in a sex tape. An interesting fact that most people don’t know about Tommy Lee is that he was in a real shitty butt-rock band called Motley Crue. Can you name one of their songs? No. A good way to tell if an artist sucks is if you can name more inches of their dick than songs that they’ve created. So…I googled some of Chris Brown’s shitty music, and its very apparent that Chris Brown sucks. Upon googling Chris Brown (aptly named – generic and bland) the search results showed his website and a bunch of TMZ clips of him acting like an asshole. The thing is, it didn’t bring up ANY OF HIS MUSIC. I find this odd, since Chris Brown is supposed to be a musician. At least, that’s why I am supposed to care about him, correct?

After modifying my search a little bit, I was finally able to find some of Chris Brown’s music. What I saw were some fairly shitty videos, songs which he obviously didn’t write or produce or sing very well on or contribute to in any way except for dancing around like a gay guy who doesn’t know it yet. So, remind me again why I should even waste a synapse by knowing who Chris Brown is?

This isn’t like an Orson Welles or Ernest Hemingway type of situation in which someone has something to offer artistically and is therefore able to get away with acting like an asshole because you don’t want them to go away. This isn’t even a Jessica Simpson type of situation – in which someone has hit their physical peak and is sexy enough that they can just walk around as a dredge on society, spouting off complete nonsense about Christianity and idiotic uninformed horse shit – but its kind of okay because you want to fuck them to shut them up. I’m almost certain Chris Brown is not that guy, because without his prison tattoos he just looks like the dude who works at a Verizon store. Chris Brown Sucks.

The only possible theory I can come up with as to why Chris Brown is noteworthy in any way is that, America being fat and lazy, our society is so narcissistic and devoid of substance that Chris Brown actually represents the psyche of your average self-consumed idiot who is so unhappy with their existence that they feel they deserve to get punched in the face just for being alive. I don’t doubt that there is an illiterate bleached blonde woman with fake tits in Florida right now who is fingering herself and moaning “Mmmm, punch me Chris.”

So if you feel the need to listen to Chris Brown, you should probably check yourself and seek therapy or backpack around Chile for a while, because if you really think about it, you don’t need to know anything about Chris Brown unless you suck. Because Chris Brown sucks.


Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

2 thoughts on “Chris Brown Sucks

  1. Reply baidu censor Apr 3,2013 11:34 pm

    Other countries censor content and not just rogue regimes such as the Iranian mullocracy. Poor people!

  2. Reply Digga Mar 29,2015 8:37 am

    Awesome.. Read this twice. Thought u might like this perfect example of Chris brown looking stupid

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