I can’t tell you how many times this has happened. I’m supposed to get a check in the mail for some work I did. It was supposed to arrive within two weeks and now it has been 17 days, meaning there is no possible way it was mailed on time. For the last week or so I’ve kept the check in the back of my mind every time I check the mail. Not because I am relying on the money, I just really don’t like being lied to by the company which is mailing it and I know that I’m going to have to call some payroll company and leave an accountant a voicemail message which they may or may not return and it’s going to be a huge waste of time.
Once I speak to someone they will inevitably give me a variation of the following:
“It looks like that check was mailed out. Maybe give it a few more days and call back.”
This is what really pisses me off. I don’t know if you know how the mail works, but it does not, ever, take a week to mail anything in the continental United States. What’s particularly insulting is that I live in Los Angeles and I’m usually talking to someone whose office is a mile from my house. It doesn’t take a week to mail something one mile. It takes three days to mail something from New York to Seattle. Let’s be generous and say it takes two days for my mail to travel across town. This means the check is late. How are you accounting for the additional five days?
It’s important to realize these payroll deadlines are rarely self-imposed by the company. Depending on who you’re dealing with, the pay date is mandated by a union or a statute, and that the person you’re talking to is lying to cover for their company and what is no doubt a policy of mailing out checks a week or two late for no apparent reason other than they can get away with it.
More rarely, but also commonly, I’ll be met with a stonewall response on the phone which is more or less as follows:
“Well, we cut the check last week.”
Isn’t when you cut the check completely irrelevant if it hasn’t been mailed? Am I supposed to be comforted in knowing the check is hypothetically sitting around your crummy office somewhere getting coffee spilled on it? How does it help me to know you supposedly have physically processed a check which I don’t have? For example, if there is a check for a billion dollars waiting for me at a non-disclosed location in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle, it’s of no benefit to me whatsoever.
Finally you’ll agree to give it a few more days to arrive and call back. This means for the next three days you will be rolling your eyes when you check your mail because there is no way in hell your check will be there, and you know this.
When you call the accountant again they will make this last ditch attempt at concealing the fact they are lying and didn’t mail your check on time:
“Maybe it was lost in the mail.”
Now I’m angry. Why is it I’ve never in my life mailed something to someone which they did not receive, yet your company is acting like my check is hanging off a dogsled somewhere in the frozen wilderness?
Finally you give up and your check arrives the next day, usually a week to ten days late.
I love how this is a one-sided issue with many of these companies. Let’s say you are expecting a check from Verizon or SAG or whoever. Try paying your dues or your phone bill and throwing some of these excuses back in their face. Yeah, I mailed my phone payment. I know I cut the check. Give it a few more days. Maybe it was lost in the mail. They’ll promptly cut off your service or cancel your healthcare plan because they know you are lying.
Many companies are hedging your money to pay off their own debts, or pooling it to invest. I believe this is why they want to hold onto it for a little bit longer than they’re supposed to. It’s really annoying.
From now on I suggest we start Check Shaming any company which participates in this behavior. I don’t know what Check Shaming is but I’m pretty sure it entails calling every department at said company and yelling obscenities at whoever answers the phone. With any luck this will be recognized as a national emergency along with cat calling and large sodas.