The following is a true account of the weirdest thing that ever happened to me. This isn’t the most notable or exciting thing that has happened to me. Its just the weirdest.
I went to visit my friend Cory in eastern Washington and we took a trip to Pullman. Home of Washington State University. And its graduates. Who work near the campus pumping gasoline and making pita sandwiches.
We went to the only bar on the campus.
Cory and I were slamming Natural Lights (on draft) and bumped into a few members of the women’s volleyball team.
We immediately noticed a woman much taller than me in volleyball shorts. It was hard not to notice. She towered over me. And I’m pretty tall.
We got drunk and Cory disappeared with a woman shorter than him.
The tall woman invited me to her house to spend the night.
It was cold out. Definitely not interested in this chick but no plan on what to do next.
She was actually hot proportionately. It would be like if you saw Gwyneth Paltrow through a periscope.
Went to the chick’s house. It was a sorority. We were greeted by a woman who looked exactly like Sammy Hagar.
I was informed that she was an older chick who never moved out and was now the den keeper. She gave us a hard time, I guess there’s a rule about guests, but the tall chick said not to sweat it and I got to her room.
Went to Yao’s room and attempted to pass out without incident.
“Spank me” she said.
Fine. I gave her a few light spanks on her spandex. Each time she cried out louder and louder.
“Oh, it’s fucking hot!”
It was cold.
Louder each time. It sounded like a first baseman’s glove slamming down on a waterbed.
This went on for an hour until she passed out, and I finally got some sleep.
In the morning I snuck out of the sorority and went to the student union to find a phone and call Cory.
Also I was hungry.
The Pita Pit is in the student union at Wazu. It is the original Pita Pit.
Fuck yes. Ordered a pita from the lady behind the counter.
She looked at me piercingly and with malice.
I instantly recognized her. It was Sammy Hagar.
“Heard you had a good time last night with ____” she said. She seemed bothered.
Fake smile. Can I order? Tuna. Boom.
“So what do you want on it?” she asked aggressively.
Lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, olives… maybe some jalapeno?
With fuck my face eyes she asked:
“So you like it hot?”
Ugh, she must have eavesdropped on the spank session.
Without warning she slapped an oversized handfull of peppers onto the pita.
Fine.
“Want some more?” she asked.
I never really turn down additional toppings.
She proceeded to slam fist after fist of jalapeno peppers onto this pita until the pita itself was a topping. She was violently hammering the counter.
My hangover was suddenly gone. What is happening?
She was getting worked up.
“Yeah! You like it hot don’t you!” she screamed. She screamed it a few times more.
I was not a customer at this point.
I was a guy blocking her sprint to the finish line. I temporarily ceased to exist to her. Like when homeless guys beat off at the library. Somehow they can ignore the patrons.
I threw her five dollars, grabbed the pita and ran away. It was so heavy with spice I had to forearm it like a football. As I looked back and saw her she quivered, clasping her rock-star breasts, as she sunk into the corner of the prep area, spent.
Its the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to me.