Warren Buffet’s Act Not Adding Up

If Warren Buffet actually still lives in the 6,500 square foot central Omaha house that he bought in 1958 despite being worth 76 billion dollars, as the occasional puff piece hammers home, then I have a question: Why has somebody not broken into Warren Buffet’s humble abode and held him for a billion dollar ransom?

Disclaimer: I am in no way advocating for this to happen. I am just wondering how a dude whose net worth is, literally, more than the GDP of most countries on earth, can tool around Omaha with this sort of anonymity, free of security detail. I’m merely pointing out that many aspects of the mainstream media narrative surrounding Buffet make zero sense. 

If you’re like me, you get most of your deep breadth of knowledge from the movies. In most heist movies, the bad guys are usually trying to steal around a million dollars. In the first scene of the critically acclaimed Heat, five guys risk their livelihood with the cops on their tail for a payout of around $12 million (closer to $19 million adjusted for inflation.) In the Oceans 11 remake starring George Clooney and Brad Pitt before he ate pans of pot brownies for breakfast, the gang is trying to open a vault containing $160 million. Warren Buffet has enough money to cure AIDS. As if the community of elite heist dudes, the real life Danny Oceans, wouldn’t be on this right away.

Here’s a snippet of how Buffet’s life is portrayed in the media, from a CNBC article:

“The 86-year-old billionaire still lives in the five-bedroom home in Omaha, Nebraska, that he bought in 1958 for $31,500. And he never spends more than $3.17 on breakfast.
On his five-minute drive to the office, which he’s been doing for the past 54 years, Buffett stops by McDonald’s and orders one of three items.”

Right, so Buffet takes the same predictable route to work everyday and no group of Albanian thugs have ever done that move where they ram their SUV into his car and then put a pillowcase over his head?

Why? Are they saving up their resources to kidnap some bum ass Silicon Valley fucker who can’t be worth more than a billion dollars, best case scenario?

(By the way, once someone has several billion dollars, take their reported net worth and at least triple it. Believe it or not these people are really good at hiding money. I suppose you believe your Tinder date’s sexual history as well?)

Take a look at this photo of Buffet’s house on the Today website for a story they did, showing exactly where he lives. That’s someone standing on the street and taking a photo. There’s no gate. Fucking Mario Lopez’ house has a gate. No armed guard. No dogs. This is the third richest person in the world. Compounding matters, everyone in town knows where he lives. Would it take a criminal mastermind to pry that information out of a coffeehouse waitress? Actually you don’t need to, I just googled it. His address is 310 S. 55th St. Omaha, Nebraska 68132.

There are two scenarios here:

1) Buffet is psychotically frugal, which judging by his breakfast habits could be the case. Nobody with four hundred dollars in the bank aspires to eat at McDonald’s, let alone 70 billion. He keeps less than forty dollars in his house, like a cab driver. His fridge is filled with fast food condiment packages. The curtains smell like old people. He has leaked this information to various members of the Illuminati. They have disseminated said information to the small community of criminals capable of succeeding in an abduction, along with the fact that he can only access his finances through retinal scanning, and his scanner can sense duress. He’s for all intents and purposes you during a long weekend after losing your debit card.

2) Buffet’s house is monitored 24/7 by a state of the art satellite system which can summon an armed drone capable of precision strikes to destroy an potential intruder within seconds, leaving not so much as a slight stain on the asphalt. The driveway is imbedded with subterranean heat coils which can melt you down to your knees at the flip of a switch. The windows, bulletproof. The walls, a solid foot of stainless steal. The chimney – not even big enough to fit down. A former SEAL Team Six member named Rex lives in the attic. He makes a comfortable eight figure salary and is there mostly for peace of mind although he has some pretty interesting stories sometimes as well. Laser beams which only recognize the voice of Buffet and his wife can decapitate any intruder within seconds, and an Ex Machina will promptly dispose of the body. The entire pad is a giant panic room.

Scenario 2 seems much more likely. How else could someone with enough money to rid the world of hangnails possibly sleep soundly at night?

You’re probably wondering, Matt, why do you care about this? The answer is, that if you’re going to do shitty news segments about Warren Buffet and how he lives in a neighborhood full of insurance salesmen then you should also mention the Israeli military contracted security equipment lining his property. Otherwise you’re leaving out an important detail, and you’re bad at your job.

You know how when you watch news segments on TV and they’re simplified to a third grade level and only give you half the story? It’s annoying. Like when the local news teases that a dog won a powerlifting competition, and you go, that can’t be the case, so you google it and find out it’s just a guy who calls himself Dog? Or when CNN reports that Russians may have interfered in the US election 24 hours a day without once mentioning that the US does the exact same thing to Russia and numerous other countries around the world?

The thing is, the details usually make the actual story seem somewhat plausible. If you’re going to tell a story, you should tell the whole story.

Sure, a guy worth 70 billion dollars doesn’t have any security concerns.

Elon Musk isn’t drafting blueprints for the structural components of a Hyperloop tube while also finding the time to make numerous media appearances and boink Johnny Depp’s lying ex-wife, as every news segment claims. He’s a smart guy and the face of Tesla, but he’s not the genius behind the technology.

There’s no way Donald Trump, prior to becoming president, only slept three and a half hours a night because he was so busy working, as sycophantic media outlets so often relayed for him. It turns out he’s a liar.

Stephen Hawking couldn’t have written all of his books. In 2001 he published a 61,000 word book while only being able to speak one word per minute. If you do the math it would be nearly impossible.

You can find examples of this anywhere you look. It’s lazy journalism. You’re supposed to at the very least ask the same questions the average person might have, as opposed to portraying your subject exactly as he wants. Otherwise just let the dude write it himself.

70 billion dollars. Someone just stole a laptop out of my car.

Give me a fucking break.


Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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