How to get a Rub and Tug 3

Sometimes things happen that really throw you for a loop, such as learning how to get a rub and tug.  A few weeks ago I had a lapse in judgement and did a cannonball into a kiddy pool, landing right on my back.  I was in pain.  I needed a massage.  I’d never had one before.  I called a friend of mine who I know visits massage parlors frequently, and asked him where I should go.  He gave me the address of a place on Santa Monica Blvd, and I headed over.

I laid down on the table, and a forty year old woman with a thong sticking out of her jeans came into the room.  She looked like a hooker you’d see in a TGI Fridays in Billings.  I told her my back was killing me.  She proceeded to start prodding at it like she was kneading dirty Play-Doh.  It felt horrible.  I just got up and left.  The woman at the front desk told me how much money I owed, something like sixty dollars.  I explained that I’m not cheap, and I’m not trying to rip you off, but you did a horrible job, and I’m not paying you.

This could probably get you killed in an actual whore house, but massage parlors are kind of a weird hybrid.  There are apparently never dudes around.

I called my friend and told him I needed another place.  He pointed me just down the street.  Next to a Cuban restaurant and a laundromat sat this weird castle door, no sign, nothing. I rang a buzzer, and the door popped open.  An Asian woman greeted me when I walked into the lobby.

“You been here before?” She asked.

“Yeah” I said.  You should always say ‘yes’ when someone asks you that in any situation.

She showed me into a room and I laid down.  In walks a young Hispanic woman that could grace the cover of Cosmo.  Insane.  I told her my back hurt.  She looked at it.

“You should probably go to a place that actually gives massages.  Or see a doctor” She said.  She looked like the kind of girl who could really show you how to get a rub and tug.

See, I had been under the impression that every massage parlor actually gives massages.  This is not the case.  There are places that give massages, and places that don’t.  This is the most important thing to know when learning how to get a rub and tug.

The next thing that happened is she asked me “What do you want?” Since I figured a massage was out of the question, I figured, what the hell.  I walked out not feeling guilty about it, because I’m probably the one guy that actually ever went into the place wanting a massage.

So to recap, its pretty easy.  Find a random massage parlor that isn’t a fancy spa.  Say you’ve been there before.  Then, if you want to bang the chick, say you want “Everything.”  If you just want a tug, tell them that.  They will then charge you between 60 and 100 dollars.  This is how to get a rub and tug.  Its pretty easy.  They’re all over the place.  There are guys getting rub and tugs right now.

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Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

3 thoughts on “How to get a Rub and Tug

  1. Reply baidu censor Mar 25,2013 3:39 am

    Other countries censor content and not just rogue regimes such as the Iranian mullocracy. Poor people!

  2. Reply Google Apr 8,2013 5:05 am

    please go to the websites we adhere to, which includes this a single, as it represents our picks through the web

  3. Reply Rob Mihada Jul 19,2013 8:36 am

    You should always say yes!..LOL. So true. Words of a wise man.
    If you’re ever in Hawaii, the dead give away is the iron screen door that greets you at every massage parlor.

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