The following are the worst quotes I’ve ever heard. These are all true, and all were said by people I know. Here we go:
1) “Without doors, there are no buildings.” My friend Simon, who sells doors wholesale to commercial developments. He was a little flustered as people were making fun of him, and thus said one of the most nonsensical things of all time.
2) “I paid the cover, I should be allowed to creep the chicks out.” My friend Brendan, who was kind of drunk and acting like a creep at a dance club. He was able to rationalize his behavior as part of the whole when in Rome philosophy, which is either insane or totally rational depending on how you look at it.
3) “Because he’s a beautiful black man.” My friend Adam from high school who desperately wanted to be black, but unfortunately for him was Eskimo. He was trying to explain why everyone should be jealous of Kobe Bryant, but he didn’t understand that not everyone wanted really badly to be a black guy who is good at basketball. Also he claimed to be straight.
4) “I either want to have sex with a really young chick or a really old chick tonight.” My friend John, explaining his ideal Friday night. Arguably top one worst quotes of all time.
5) “You could probably punch me in the face right now and I wouldn’t even care.” Un-named chick I was dating while sitting casually on the couch watching The Hills. I was like, um, thanks but no thanks.
6) “Do you want to go in the corner and make out?” An un-named male friend who was single, and on a bit of a dry spell talking to a chick at a party. To my surprise it actually worked and he made out with a girl against a wall in the corner of a well attended party for about an hour.
7) “Who wants to catch a slug?” Some redneck motherfucker with bright red dreadlocks from my hometown who got into a dispute at an outdoor kegger and pulled out a shotgun at which point he began yelling this out as people scattered. It is one of the worst quotes ever if you think about it, because, who would possibly raise their hand and say “Um, I wouldn’t mind catching a slug right now. When in Rome, right?”
8) “When fish get done having sex, do they smell like people?” Lorne Counter, a really bad comedian, telling the worst joke I have ever heard. There are a lot of reasons it’s the worst joke of all time. First of all, it doesn’t make sense unless you have already discussed that people smell like fish after they have sex (which I don’t believe is the case.) Secondly, if it is true, it is truly disgusting. It didn’t help that the guy was just super creepy already and thought he was describing a known thing.
This is Part I of my list of the worst quotes ever. Stay tuned for Part II.