“I’m gonna drank a lotta Budweiser tonight Tracy, I promise ‘ya that.” Imagine if Cam Newton had won the Super Bowl and one of his first sentences was “I’m bout to pound a lotta Hennessy tonight.” I’d predict an impending firestorm of hate, although to be fair Cam Newton doesn’t own any liquor distributorships, as Manning does. Manning didn’t even say he was going to drink a Budweiser, or a few Budweisers. He said he was going to drink a lot of Budweiser. Was he promoting alcoholism? Is a guy who wants to celebrate things by drinking a bunch of beer an alcoholic? Does Manning actually like Budweiser? There are so many questions.
Ironically his comments came during the same Super Bowl in which geriatric British actress Hellen Mirren did a commercial chastising Americans who drink and drive, and in which alcohol ads were forced to be strongly tempered to pretend people who drink alcohol don’t do it to become intoxicated. I’ll listen to a British person lecture me about health statistics as soon as Pauley Shore goes to Liverpool and does a PSA about putting thirty teaspoons of sugar in your tea.
Heineken’s new ad slogan is “Moderate Drinkers Wanted.” That’s just bad business. Doesn’t Heineken honestly want the business of the guy who’s secretly drinking himself to death in the shed or the coke head Wall Street partner who throws parties full of people who don’t like him in his loft? The Dos Equis guy famously says “I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis.” Well then you have a small sample size, why would I possibly value your opinion? I want to know what kind of beer Ted Kennedy was drinking, you lazy hobbyist. No wonder you like Dos Equis, you don’t even drink beer.
The strip club chain Scores submitted a tame Super Bowl ad for review which was denied approval because the NFL doesn’t allow ads featuring “nude or semi-nude performers.” That’s obviously bullshit. Every quintuple Gillette razor commercial shows a guy shaving in just a towel. Every herpes commercial shows a chick in a bikini jumping into a lake, presumably to quell her genital burning or maybe to commit suicide because she has herpes, which is disgusting.
Further banned advertising is anything featuring casinos, tobacco, fireworks, and contraceptives. Yet those herpes commercials are running strong. Interesting. Pretend tits and ass don’t exist and shun the existence of condoms. The Super Bowl is so fucking American it hurts. 1.2 million people in the US are HIV positive and in 2012, 13,712 people died of AIDS, by the way. The NFL is made up mostly of people who were teen pregnancies.
Back to Mirren’s Budweiser commercial. According to Mothers Against Drunk Driving, a powerful lobbying group in cahoots with various law enforcement agencies to increase revenue efficient Prison Industrial Complex friendly measures such as road blocks (sobriety checkpoints) there were 10,076 drunk driving deaths in 2013. They also lobby for increased taxes on alcohol by the way, so you should seriously question anyone’s motivation when it’s tied to financial interest. Like Manning for example.
Sobriety checkpoints routinely bust around .2 – 1.0 percent of the drivers unconstitutionally detained for drunk driving. The majority of their action comes from minor offenses such as driving with a suspended license and of course arrests for the ubiquitous bench warrants issued because someone had to choose between attending a mandatory court appearance for a non-alcohol related moving violation or losing their bussing job at Chili’s. Wheel in the sky keeps on turning. Go Broncos.
Also according to MADD’s statistics, “EACH DAY PEOPLE DRIVE DRUNK 300,000 TIMES.” They put it in all caps so you’d know it’s important. So given the 10,000 deaths per year, with 109 million people driving drunk every year according to their statistics, the death rate is roughly .01 percent, or 1 in 100,000 cases. To give you an idea of how seriously MADD takes their cause, several of their chapter presidents have been arrested for DUI.
Here’s a list of a few prominent NFL approved advertisers from this year’s Super Bowl.
- McDonald’s. Obesity kills an estimated 600,000 Americans per year. Heart disease kills 611,105 Americans each year. Diabetes kills 75,578 Americans each year.
- Pfizer. Prescription drug overdoses kill 16,060 Americans each year.
- AstraZeneca. This is a British pharmaceutical company which advertised a drug to relieve intestinal issues for people who take prescription painkillers, which again kill 16,060 Americans every year.
- Nestle. Obesity, heart disease, diabetes.
- Dorritos, Mountain Dew (Pepsi Co.). Again, fat people.
- Snickers, Skittles (Mars Inc.) Shout out to Marshawn Lynch.
- Taco Bell (Yum Brands.) Stoned, soon to be fat people.
- Anheuser-Busch. Alcohol abuse kills 88,000 Americans per year.
- Avocados From Mexico. Stats aren’t reliable but the Mexican avocado industry is directly tied to the drug cartels which are currently responsible for rampant death, kidnapping and extortion in Mexico, as well as countless acts of violence along our borders and across the country due to the continued War on Drugs.
So there you have Peyton Manning, arguably the most American American in all of the Americas, winning the most American achievement in America, and the first thing he does is hawk Budweiser and kisses the guy from Papa John’s on the mouth which I’ve yet to figure out but let’s acknowledge the whole thing was gloriously perverse.
What’s the death rate of Vicodin users? What’s the death rate of people who eat McDonald’s for breakfast? What’s the death rate of people who drink Pepsi instead of water? If we’re actually concerned about death, explain the bizarre parameters of your criteria for potential advertisers.
Anyone like Peyton Manning who speaks in imbedded advertising is a major creep, by the way. If I ask you to recommend a good plumber and later find out you got a referral fee you’re dead to me, you coy Amway bitch. Manning didn’t acknowledge his stake in Budweiser, and Budweiser confirmed he didn’t get paid to mention it. But clearly he believes further popularizing the brand will be financially beneficial to him. With the amount of teenagers as well as forty year old men who deify Manning, you might question how responsible his advocacy is, again compared with the fake Disneyfied image the NFL is working towards.
A lot of this comes back to the question of whether or not Manning actually enjoys Budweiser and Papa John’s. If he’s just a genuine simpleton who could hold that against him. A source tells me he’s been in nightclubs with Manning, celebrating with teammates and that type of thing. These are the places known for bottle service and not macrobrews. Apparently Manning has been known to walk around such clubs audibly seeking out a Budweiser. Maybe he really likes Budweiser. Or maybe he’s a financially driven robot without a human personality. How many people has football killed by the way? Does MADD keep those stats? Maybe Manning has brain damage. That would explain his relentless loyalty to Budweiser when there’s Grey Goose in front of him.
Nobody batted an eye following Manning’s post game speech and the NFL’s vast hypocrisy shined like a beacon light reflected off a Mormon’s forehead sweat through the depraved cul de sacs, Budweiser piss stained alleyways, and paper bag laden Hennessy reeking ghetto porches of America.
Yet, whether or not he was being honest, I salute Manning for saying he was going to drink “a lot of Budweiser” and not acquiescing to the ridiculous corporate spin machine which wants to pretend they want people to buy less alcohol, and that drinking and driving is a vast scourge on society compared to Big Macs and Oxycodone. It’s all avoidable behavior. But if I had to choose I’d rather my nonexistent teenage kid drive around on three Budweisers than three Xanax. I’d also rather they sometimes imbibe in Budweiser than consider McDonald’s or Papa John’s to be normal food.
It should also be acknowledged that the guy Manning made out with, “Papa” John Schnatter, is an evil Republican prick. At least Manning’s transparent about his disingenuousness. The same can’t be said for the NFL. They’re bathing in Budweiser money whilst pretending to have a moral compass.
I say bring back the bikini girls and let’s shotgun a bunch of Budweiser. Let’s not be a nation of scorned children made to apologize to our puritanical superiors because we don’t sip beer for the flavor, and it’s fine to admit you buy Papa John’s because you’re aware the ingredients suck and it’s just open late, and don’t ever get on your high horse with me when you’re taking Pfizer money, you rat pricks.
Lost in all of this is what would have happened if Cam Newton mentioned that Hennessy.
*All disease/drunk driving stats are from the CDC, including MADD’s.