The NBA is so exciting right now – I’m loving everything about it – but it could still be improved – and so, the following are my suggestions for some new NBA rules.
These rules are designed to enhance the viewing experience of your average spectator. I’m not concerned with the purity of the game bullshit. So:
1) Create a five point line. This should be somewhere around the opposing basket’s three point line. The reason this is a good idea is that an astounding amount of games come down to five points in the last minute. A four point play is possible – but a five point difference means the end of a game in the latter seconds.
The cool thing is, this would lead to a relief pitcher type of situation like they have in baseball in which every team would have a super fat guy who ate hot dogs on the bench and would play one minute a week while wearing cubic zirconia.
I would also be willing to condone an undetermined point line – shot from 80 feet away. The caveat here is that you would have to sketch a charcoal self portrait directly before shooting the ball.
If the ball did in fact go in the basket, a panel of judges from Antique Roadshow then would then determine how many points it should be worth – from a minimum of 10 points for effort, and up to 180 points for some Salvador Dali shit. This is the best of my ideas as far as new NBA rules are concerned.
2) The Chick who Thinks she’s Good at Basketball Rule. Have you ever heard someone say something like,
“I went to my first NBA game, and man, seeing those guys in person… the athleticism is just incredible!”
Yes, it is. I believe that NBA players are the best athletes in the world – nowhere else in competitive sports are skill and athleticism so combined.
However, on television, even Andre Iguodala catching an oop from the dotted line can seem routine.
What we need is some perspective.
NBA athletes can only truly be appreciated when seen alongside a less athletically inclined human – maybe a sorority chick from Cal Fullerton or even the league MVP of the WNBA. Either is would do.
Having a random chick on each team who thinks she’s good at basketball get flatly dominated would add invaluable context to the level of play that’s going on and be a great new NBA rule.
I see where you’re going with this: why does it have to be a woman?
For a few reasons. First of all: women are equal, yet somehow need special opportunities. Not sure how that works exactly.
Second, they’d stand out more – as is the point of the rule.
Third, most men haven’t been told that all of the bullshit they’re saying is accurate for most of their lives because people wanted to fuck them – so men would be less likely to be delusional assholes willing to attempt an activity that they’re horridly inept at with any confidence.
So, these are just two of the many new NBA rules that I will be proposing. Stay tuned for more.