Why Did Iggy Azalea?

Iggy

Why do I know who Iggy Azalea is?  It’s because I have to know who Some Chick is. Here’s how this works:

When you’re an aspiring musician who can’t sing or play an instrument, the competition is pretty rough. Even if you’re talented, pretty, and musically proficient you aren’t going to get anywhere waiting around.

If you have none of these traits you’re going to have to go for freak show status, inject calking into your butt cheeks, and go for the black chick who is trying to look like a white chick who is trying to look black look. Just make people do a double take. That’s the End Game. Cover your body in raw meat, put pinwheels in your head like a twelve year old, whatever. Just get mildly creative.

At this point, since there are lines of you waiting around the block for American Idol, you’re going to have to start exchanging sexual favors for the chance to have your demo produced, since you don’t know how to do that. If you want to work your way up the ladder then we’re not talking about sound booth blow jobs. That’s admission. Think more Houston Fucks The All-Star Game.

At some point one of these producers will video record one or more of these episodes before he trades you to Jermaine Dupree for $50 dollars and a case of Heineken.

At this point you might just get lucky and win a Grammy.

Here’s how this works:

If you’ve ever thrown a party at your house, you know it to be a scientific fact that you could set a bowl of Tater Tots next to some braised eggplant you grew in your own garden, and the Tater Tots will be gone first.

That’s because people are like, Fuck it. This is the demo who is into Iggy Azalea. Music for people who don’t give a shit about music.

So these producers prop up their Music for People who Don’t Like Music acts to their record companies, Grammy Nominations come out and you get an email telling you who to vote for.

This is because the people who vote for the Grammys all work for the few consolidated record labels still in existence who are sponsored by, and part of, the very few same corporations. One of which even airs the Grammys on television.

Sony owns Columbia Records. Sony owns Sony Pictures. Sony makes Sony televisions. Vote for the Who Gives a Shit chick so we can advertise Spider Man 2 on this Grammy bullshit.

Did you think this was about the best artist? Grow the fuck up. Iggy chugged enough cock, she’s The Chick.

It’s like that picture of the snake eating its own tail only a its a weird looking chick instead.

These industry folk don’t give a shit about the Grammys, they know it’s all a sham anyway. And if they’d been the type with the personality to call out injustices they would have piped up during their label’s corporate takeover, be immediately blacklisted, and wouldn’t be voting in the first place.

That’s how you get Iggy Azalea.

Now Iggy Azalea has a beef with this chick Azealia Banks, who is an actual black chick and specializes in talking shit on Twitter and sometimes raps.

Banks doesn’t like Azalea, as she finds Azalea only emulates black culture when it’s convenient, and isn’t out their getting pepper sprayed and murdered or even really pretending to give a shit. She doesn’t like the fact that Iggy won Best Rap Album at the Grammys or that Macklemore won Best Rap Artist.

She sees this as a corporate slap in the face to the black community, meaning, we’ve taken a lot from you, and just to prove a point, we will take this one thing that is yours:

“When they give these Grammys out, all it says to white kids is, ‘You’re great. You’re amazing. You can do whatever you put your mind to.’ And it says to black kids, ‘You don’t have shit. You don’t own shit, not even the shit you created yourself.’ And it makes me upset.”

As mentioned earlier, I don’t think they care that much, but that seems to be the message. Fuck Kenrick Lamar, Macklemore made an album for Seattle hipsters. Ironically about not buying stuff.

Now Anonymous, or a group claiming to be Anonymous, is threatening to hack Iggy Azalea’s computer and expose her aforementioned sex tape because they agree with Azealia Banks and myself that Iggy is opportunistically appropriating black culture. Also she’s said a bunch of racist shit in her lifetime like most people from Australia so that stings.

Please for the love of Christ don’t let this be the real Anonymous. Turning their focus away from exposing Exxon and Bank of America to deal with the Iggy Azalea, Azealia Banks Twitter feud?

Is Julian Assange going release some Kardashian Cables next? Is Kim’s facial scrub really just Crest toothpaste and lemonade?

Corporations see money. They don’t care about talent. They’ll claim with a straight face that Macklemore is the Best Rapper, and Taco Bell is the Best Taco, and Grudge Match is a Must See.

There are more white people in America than black.

White people sometimes like the idea of a white person rapping the same way they think it’s cool when a seal can juggle.

Most of them don’t know shit about hip hop and don’t care.

They just want that Tater Tot.

So, Iggy.

 

 

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Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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