Some Athlete Nickname Suggestions

My favorite athlete nicknames are the ones that add a little bit of pizazz when they’re first explained to you. Karl Malone was The Mailman because he delivered. John Brockman was labeled The Brockness Monster because he was rarely seen in games. With that in mind, here are some suggestions:

Tony Romo – The Timid Pervert – Because he always waits until the end of the night to throw a bad pass. 

Andrew Bynum – Decaf – Because he is worthless.

Steve Nash – The Recently Signed Punk Band– Because he was good before he moved to L.A.

Peyton Manning – The 9-11 Hijacker – Because he always throws a touchdown.

Eli Manning – The Kittie Cat – Because he gets less respect than his brother, but is still an important member of the family.

Russell Wilson – The Vegan Poser – Because he does well in Seattle.

Ed Reed – The Defense Attorney – Because he has always associated with a lot of murderers.

James Harden – The Sociology Professor – Because he looks homeless, but has a lot to contribute.

Eric Gordon – Welfare – Because he doesn’t want to do anything and still get paid.

Adrian Peterson – The Chopped Contestant – Because he is talented, but doesn’t have much to work with.

Ray Lewis – Edward I of England – Because he killed some people but nobody remembers.

Kobe Bryant – The Virginia Tech Killer – Because he shoots a lot and creeps everybody out.

The Kentucky Wildcats – Enron – Because they love to run up their stats at the end.

Tim Duncan – Citizen Kane – Because he’s good, but you don’t want to watch him.

Floyd Mayweather – The Romantic Comedy – Because his fights are boring, predictable, and you know nobody’s going to get hurt in the end.

Manny Pacquiao – Bareback – Because he doesn’t want to get tested. 

Matt Schaub – Hey Man! – Because he’s some guy you barely know.

Sidney Crosby – The Administrator – Because nobody cares about what he does.

Zach Randolph – The Recently Diagnosed Artist with Erectile Disfunction – Because he goes hard in the paint.

Russell Westbrook – Cruise – Because he plays hard both ways.

Michael Phelps – Sperm – Because he’s an ugly swimmer.

Tim Tebow – The Soviet Tank – Because he doesn’t start anymore and God doesn’t like him. 

Roger Federer – The Annoying Prick – Because he’s a guy who plays a lot of tennis.

Aaron Hernandez – Sunny D – Because he’s worse than O.J.

Derek Jeter – Mayonnaise – Because he’s bland and white people love him.











Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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