The Biggest Loser Moves I’ve Ever Seen Part I

The following are true accounts of people that I have known, and mostly hated, being complete losers. Much how making out with your frat-brother at that one drunken party makes you a permanent homosexual regardless of how many toddlers you have, or blowing a guy who paid your rent for a month makes you a filthy whore forever, these moves do not allow any room for reversal.

These people are losers. These are their stories.

1) I was dating a girl and I went over to her house one night. Upon arriving she informed me that she was brainstorming different flavors for the Lay’s Flavor Contest. This is a marketing promotion for idiots to advertise potato chips for free by submitting flavor ideas mandatorily via Facebook. Lay’s has clearly pre-determined that they’re going to collude with another PepsiCo brand for the new flavor, just so you know. There is a $10,000 dollar prize.

Her idea: Wasabi and Soy Sauce. Brilliant. And obviously nobody else had thought of that. What are you going to do with your winnings babe?

Okay, it was decently entertaining for a few minutes, so I started fucking around on the program and making up different flavor combinations. After I had submitted something like watermelon pork-rind banana-bread she got kind weird and emotional and said:

Hey, I’m serious about this. It’s a lot of money. Stop joking around.”

What a desperate loser.

2) I was in Cheyenne, Wyoming, and I had asked a few locals what to do because I had a full day to kill. They told me that there was this really cool creek that had fishing and a hiking trail along it, so I went to go find it, but I got lost. I pulled up to this gas-station pretty much in the middle of nowhere. The guy behind the counter was kind of what you would expect from a gas-station attendant in Wyoming. So I say:

“Hey, I’m looking for the creek, do you know where it is?”

He said something like:

“No, I don’t believe I know what you’re talking about.”

I go,

“Really, there’s not a creek around here?”

And he said no. I was very confused. I knew it was very close to where I was. And how many attractions does Cheyenne have? Clearly this guy was born and bred here. There must have been a misunderstanding.

“Really? It’s not around here?” I said, “Like, people told me that there were hiking trails and camp sites and everything.”

That’s when the guy perked up and said this:

“Oh, you mean the crick.”

That’s how he pronounced it. C-R-I-K. Crick. Dumbfounded, I said,

“Yeah, the creek.”

And he stared at me like I was speaking Mandarin. I knew at this point that the guy was pulling a serious move. I stared straight into his yocal pupils, swallowed my pride, and said:

“Oh, sorry, I meant the crick.”

He nodded in approval. First right, second left, and its on your right.

What a fucking loser. Stay tuned for Loser Moves Part II. I actually have hundreds of examples of losers acting like losers.

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Matt Ralston is a comedian and writer based in Los Angeles. Follow him on Twitter @MatthewRalston

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