The following is a true account of the weirdest thing that ever happened to me. This isn’t the most notable or exciting thing that has happened to me. Its just the weirdest.<\/p>\n
I went to visit my friend Cory in eastern Washington and we took a trip to Pullman. Home of Washington State University. And its graduates. Who work near the campus pumping gasoline and making pita sandwiches.<\/p>\n
We went to the only bar on the campus.<\/p>\n
Cory and I were slamming Natural Lights (on draft) and \u00a0bumped into a few members of the women’s volleyball team.<\/p>\n
We immediately noticed a woman much taller than me in volleyball shorts. It was hard not to notice. She towered over me. And I’m pretty tall.<\/p>\n
We got drunk and Cory disappeared with a woman shorter than him.<\/p>\n
The tall woman invited me to her house to spend the night.<\/p>\n
It was cold out. Definitely not interested in this chick but no plan on what to do next.<\/p>\n
She was actually hot proportionately. It would be like if you saw Gwyneth Paltrow through a periscope.<\/p>\n
Went to the chick’s house. \u00a0It was a sorority. We were greeted by a woman who looked exactly like Sammy Hagar.<\/p>\n
I was informed that she was an older chick who never moved out and was now the den keeper. She gave us a hard time, I guess there’s a rule about guests, but the tall chick said not to sweat it and I got to her room.<\/p>\n
Went to Yao’s room and attempted to pass out without incident.<\/p>\n
“Spank me” she said.<\/p>\n
Fine. I gave her a few light spanks on her spandex. Each time she cried out louder and louder.<\/p>\n
“Oh, it’s fucking hot!”<\/p>\n
It was cold.<\/p>\n
Louder each time. It sounded like a first baseman’s glove slamming down on a waterbed.<\/p>\n
This went on for an hour until she passed out, and I finally got some sleep.<\/p>\n
In the morning I snuck out of the sorority and went to the student union to find a phone and call Cory.<\/p>\n
Also I was hungry.<\/p>\n
The Pita Pit is in the student union at Wazu<\/em>. It is the original Pita Pit.<\/p>\n Fuck yes. Ordered a pita from the lady behind the counter.<\/p>\n She looked at me piercingly and with malice.<\/p>\n I instantly recognized her. It was Sammy Hagar.<\/p>\n “Heard you had a good time last night with ____” she said. She seemed bothered.<\/p>\n Fake smile. Can I order? Tuna. Boom.<\/p>\n “So what do you want on it?” she asked aggressively.<\/p>\n Lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, olives… maybe some jalapeno?<\/p>\n With\u00a0fuck my face<\/em> eyes she asked:<\/p>\n “So you like it hot?”<\/p>\n Ugh, she must have eavesdropped on the spank session.<\/p>\n Without warning she slapped an oversized handfull of peppers onto the pita.<\/p>\n Fine.<\/p>\n “Want some more?” she asked.<\/p>\n I never really turn down additional toppings.<\/p>\n She proceeded to slam fist after fist of jalapeno peppers onto this pita until the pita itself was a topping. She was violently hammering the counter.<\/p>\n My hangover was suddenly gone. What is happening?<\/p>\n She was getting worked up.<\/p>\n “Yeah! You like it hot don’t you<\/em>!” she screamed. She screamed it a few times more.<\/p>\n I was not a customer at this point.<\/p>\n I was a guy blocking her sprint to the finish line. I temporarily ceased to exist to her. Like when homeless guys beat off at the library. Somehow they can ignore the patrons.<\/p>\n I threw her five dollars, grabbed the pita and ran away. It was so heavy with spice I had to forearm it like a football. As I looked back and saw her she quivered, clasping her rock-star breasts, as she sunk into the corner of the prep area, spent.<\/p>\n Its the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to me.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" The following is a true account of the weirdest thing that ever happened to me. This isn’t the most notable or exciting thing that has happened to me. Its just the weirdest. I went to visit my friend Cory in eastern Washington and we took a trip to Pullman. Home of Washington State University. And …read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,5,7],"tags":[108,107,105,109,110],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mattralston.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/93"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mattralston.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mattralston.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mattralston.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mattralston.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=93"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/mattralston.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/93\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":100,"href":"https:\/\/mattralston.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/93\/revisions\/100"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mattralston.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=93"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mattralston.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=93"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mattralston.net\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=93"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}