Why You Can’t Have Equal Pay Without Equal Prison Time

Upon overhearing casually ill-informed, heavily privileged, yet somehow vaguely oppressed white women discuss the Gender Pay Gap over their eighteen dollar salads at Urth Caffe, I had a sudden realization…

As they were throwing completely bogus statistics out of their asses, while not at work somehow, on a Tuesday afternoon, one of which was that it’s “really messed up” that women earn 74 cents on the dollar as compared to men, I started to become intrigued, which is when the realization hit!

Clearly this woman in the, as someone who loathes discussing fashion, horrendously gaudy outfit, (what kind of material is that by the way? goat rayon?) is clearly an authority on the subject, having never held a job and may or may not have tolerated Donald Sterling’s micropenis…

It’s no different than what Skip Bayless does with sports.

You know how to play, Guy?

Go ahead and suit up then and be promptly paralyzed.

That would never happen, obviously.

Just as obviously, Megan, let’s call her Megan, would never be decapitated by a flaming tree limb while combating a forrest fire.

Indeed, 93 percent of workplace related deaths are males.

I would choose not to do dangerous shit too in order in order to have a dry place to sleep, given the opportunity, and I have, and some might call that a privilege.

The Gender Pay Gap, if it exists, which I believe it does not, is still, according to it’s biggest proponents, 80 cents on the dollar.

Mind you these statistics are poorly sourced and conjured up over cupcakes and your wasted tax writeoffs in the kitchen of a spacious home, but let’s just say they’re accurate, still:

Men are ninety percent of the US prison population. 

Nine in ten incarcerated people in this country are male. That’s not 80 cents on the dollar, by the way. That’s nine dollars on the dollar, or 900 cents on the dollar, phrased another way.

Black people make up about thirteen percent of the US population, yet are 35 percent of the said prison population.

I believe that to be systematic oppression.

Do I believe that men are overwhelmingly in prison because of systematic oppression?

Fucking of course not.

Do I believe that women are paid slightly less because of a patriarchal fist bump?

Of course not, what are you fucking retarded?

Odd Choice.

Without getting too deep, it’s easier for women to find employment. They seek it less, and they get it easier. These are government stats. They have less incentive to keep their jobs, and indeed, according to the US Bureau of Labor Statistics, they change jobs more often, and work less overtime hours at the jobs they have, and take more sick days, and vacation days, and consequently sometimes aren’t first in line for promotion.

If Bret from accounting behaved the same way he’d probably have been fired three months ago, but nevermind that, women are more pleasant to be around in a working environment than men, in part because they’re less confrontational, so the boss (not necessarily male) will tolerate your third sick cat story this month because you smell pretty nice, or certainly better than that Indian trust fund kid whose parents have four billion dollars in blood money yet couldn’t hire someone to teach him about antiperspirant.

As I’ve reflected on this, I think it might be boiled down to the care of children.

Women are more predisposed to care about other beings, to be nurturing, and more sympathetic.

They crave babies like men crave chicken wings.

So, in dual income households, or if you’re a single mom because the silverback who put a baby in you moved onto another target, you probably leave early or cut work more often to tend to the child’s strep throat.

And that’s a trait women have, and I consider it a positive.

Without it, our species wouldn’t exist.

Here are a few male traits: Set a goal and obsess about it. Become a total psycho about your app, or about football, or selling office supplies, (the men don’t know this, but the only reason they set the goal is in order to bed a woman. if women didn’t respond to their cars, the men would simply watch daytime TV and complain about how nobody was providing for them and the species would die off, which if you look at the birthrates in socialist countries, is indeed happening).

More male traits: Shoot a guy in a road rage incident. Invade Grenada. Slaughter innocent people. Pretend you have an intricate knowledge of certain subjects you’ve never even heard of. Listen to Heavy Metal. Play it so loud you damage your hearing. If you’re a teenage boy or a thirty year old guy who lives with his parents in Glendale, drive around in your car so fast you might kill yourself or other motorists. Get together with your friends and throw some bricks through windows! Make some other kid cry. Lift weights. Talk shit to your teacher. (as you are doing this, some teenage girl will be drawing your name on her folder.)

Here’s my hot take: The reason men make more money than women is the same reason men are in prison more than women. 

Men are ruthless hunter gatherers, women cook the meat and look after the children.

That’s how you got here, feminist, Ted Bundy, LA Sparks fan, the guy who rode a fan propelled parachute into the ring during the Mike Tyson fight, Nazi, Orthodox Jew in weird hat, whoever you are, that’s how you started, and you shouldn’t cherrypick stats in an effort to victimize yourself.

From now on, if you bring up the Gender Pay Gap, I’d like to hear it followed by the Prison Gender Gap, and how the humanity of it all is really affecting your pill popping.

In order to pass off a rant as a legitimate piece of journalism I’ve found you have to throw in a quote to legitimize your preconceived agenda.

The Washington Post and the New York Times do this all the time, they’re both on the stock market, and didn’t really cover Volkswagen’s conspiracy to lie to mother earth (because VW is either a sponsor or potential sponsor), hence they got away with it.

I emailed Beth Colgan, who is a Professor in the Criminal Justice Department at the UCLA School of Law, and obviously intelligent, probably moreso than I am, and yet:

I think you’d have difficulty convincing anyone that gender bias is a factor… Men are much more likely to commit violent offenses than women.”


And women are more likely to go home early.

That got no response, but we all understand the reality, regardless of our lifeless talking points at Urth Caffe, quite far removed from the license plate factories at San Quinten,

And as we construct our own realities, based entirely on what’s best for us, meaning how we can get the most food and find best environment to reproduce in while doing the least amount of work, as humans have always done, as is human nature, we try to subvert the entire species,

And these idiotic arguments make the news, as the US kills innocent children, women, and men, with their autonomous robotic bomb dropping airplanes.

To say the least it’s interesting, although I’d rather watch an anthill than those women with their salads.

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