The following rankings are not based on the educational standards of these institutions, but rather the quality of individual who tends to graduate from said institution. It is unclear why, if you’re a doucbebag, you dream of attending USC over UCLA, it’s just a statistical reality.
Certainly many of the schools on this list are elite private institutions who tend to attract overly-privileged zeroes and future heads of state whose parents donated to the library, yet some of them, such as Florida State, are relatively affordable and mostly patronized by GHB addicts who go on to become housing insecure. Nonetheless, while I am not disclosing the methods for these rankings, the results are definitive and listed from worst to slightly less worse.
Yale University – This dilapidated relic has produced Illuminati from both sides of the political aisle. If you don’t believe in ghosts then you haven’t spent ten minutes on the frigid inhospitable campus whose social clubs are predicated on family wealth and vampirology. If you’ve never wanted to punch a stranger then you’ve never seen a teenager in an overcoat with a briefcase. According to their website 39 percent of students are ethnic minorities, meaning they are lying on their website. Difficult to traverse campus without tripping over buried crosses.
Harvard University – Harvard has an endowment of 41 billion dollars. That money could probably free North Korea but don’t worry, these sniveling pricks are tackling the big issues such as complaining about the cultural sensitivity of tacos. Every year a bunch of guys who suck at football make the football team. Attendees have zero interest in actually attending Harvard and a strong interest in telling people they attended Harvard.
University of Southern California – If a mentally disabled chick can fake her way into your school and then pass the classes then I am not impressed that you attained a degree there. It would appear your school is highly overrated. On the plus side the campus is an incredibly dry sandbox located amid an actual ghetto, but there is a Panda Express nearby if you have backup.
University of Pennsylvania – Safety school for future Kroger lawyers.
Penn State University – Safety school for future dropouts.
Notre Dame University – People who should have been aborted figuring out how to twist the constitution into outlawing abortion. If you’re a huge legal nerd than you may find some of the adjunct professors to be really inspiring. But please be warned, this means you’re a huge nerd and nobody likes you. They give Catholics a bad name, which is quite difficult to do based on their history and silly beliefs.
Florida State University – The undergrad population actually smells horrible – like they rubbed meat on themselves or something. English 101 is learning the actual alphabet. A master’s in Biology means you’ve heard the Birds and the Bees talk. They don’t even have Math.
University of California Berkeley – This mushy forested dog park of an institution appears to actually induce psychosis. There is really no light way to put it: The average student is a traitor against humanity. It appears their definition of progress is muddled somewhere between inflicting actual pain on people and just constantly interrupting them. If you are not currently undergoing sexual reassignment surgery you may be pepper sprayed, and you have to like it. For this privilege you pay $45,000 per year. Luckily the campus is very safe if you don’t mind getting hit by Molotov cocktails because you don’t think The Wizard of Oz was about animal rights.
Arizona State University – A Superfund site and legitimate public health crisis. This is the one place you actually can contract HIV from a toilet seat. They tried doing some studies to find out how but the students insisted on blasting Nickelback. If you have a Jeep with no doors you can become the dean right away.
Wellesley College – A lot of rich kids talking shit about rich people. None have burned their parents’ credit cards. It’s also an all women’s college populated by people who are obsessed with gender discrimination. Irony is not part of the curriculum. It’s in Connecticut. How original.